Thursday, October 28, 2010

Failure Smells A Lot Like Schmegma With A Dollop Of Warm Apple Sauce!

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Poop, double decker, camel-toe-jam, kerfluffenheimer, fromunder cheese, schmegma, dollop, hand-me-downs, apple sauce, penis...

I tried really hard to come up with something interesting to write for you all but those are the only words that came to mind. I think I might have popped a large hole in my brain from how hard I tried...can you smell it? Smells a lot like failure and disappointment to me...ah the sweet aroma of failure how I have missed you so! Doesn't it smell good?

So, my gift to all you dear readers is that I will not try to continue this butchery of a post. So for the safety of your brains, enjoy the cartoons I just made :o)



Because poop has feelings too...and when it smiles at me I should really learn to smile back at it :o)



I use the word Kerfluffenheimer a lot! Most people want to know what it means and the truth is, Kerfluffenheimer means whatever you want it to mean...today it doubles as a really bad swear word or a really dirty old fart you have held in for much too long cause you are trying to be polite. But tomorrow, Kerfluffenheimer could mean something very different.


I always thought that Toe Jam sounded pretty yummy....but camel toe jam? Could be a new trend!


Sometimes I feel that the word penis is the real plural for pen :o)


~I surrender to The Writing Womb~
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Saturday, October 23, 2010

Holy Craparoni! A Butterfly Raped My Finger!

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Hey bloggy friends! I am sorry for being such a slacker in my postings here at The Writing Womb but cut me some cheese errr...I mean slack.

The weather is amazing here in Thailand and considering the monsoon season has just been unexpectedly put on pause for the last week or so, I have been taking some time for me to do fun things like this;



and this;



and this;









So, as you can see, I am terribly busy right now with my schedule chalked full of all these tiring and not fun at all events *sarcasm intended* that leave me no time to remember things like what day it is or better yet, what month it is...all this sunshine has depleted my last remaining brain cells and I am uber forgetful these days. 

I will make some cartoons this weekend and find 2 healthy brain cells in this noggin' of mine to help me create something entertaining for your hungry eyes for Monday's post.


Oh, but for now, here is a slightly interesting story I wanted to share with you.

See, I was talking to a friend today and during our conversation, I pointed my finger at her and a butterfly landed right on my index finger. 

After I got over the awe I felt of how special I was that a butterfly chose to land directly on my finger, I started to feel a little violated when I saw him pumping away at my appendage like it was it's very own sex doll or something...what the hell butterfly? Stick with your own kind! I don't mean to be racist against butterflies or anything but really, he didn't even bother to use protection or lubricant and um maybe next time a little foreplay? I know I have a very attractive finger but what the hell am I a 1950's house wife? ( I just assume that all 1950's housewives never got any foreplay, I don't know why I think that, I just figure women who drink that much and require that many barbituates probably weren't getting any foreplay).

Anyways, at first, I felt so dirty...but then I remembered... this was the most action I have seen in a LONG time, so I shouldn't complain *smiley finger*

BEST FINGER RAPING EVER! Thanks Mr. Butterfly for making my day a special one...brings a whole new meaning to 'smell my finger' that's for sure.

Time to get to bed so I can wake up early and get back to my hectic life of beach bumming and snorkeling.

Loving all your comments and emails! Thanks for caring enough to write them...now smell my finger, it smells all rape-y! Isn't that special?
Smoochies
Patricia

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~
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Monday, October 18, 2010

I Wanted To Somehow Mention Jeff Goldblum In This Post But I Lacked The Creative Ability To Do So!

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I was at work today, in my little registration hut just outside the yoga hall, feeling anything but Zen because of a certain flying insect that felt the need to swarm my head all morning.

I was trying to figure out why flies irritate me so much when it occurred to me, that flies tend land on and hover around only a few things: The starving 3rd world children, The Rotting Corpses, The garbage  and The Fecal Matter.

So, when a fly lands on me, I take it personally! To me, it’s as if the fly is deliberately insulting me with its presence. Like it’s trying to tell me something…Leaving me to wonder if I am a rotting corpse, or stinking like garbage or have somehow become a hungry third world child or maybe it’s trying to remind me of what a huge pile of shit I am…either way, it’s annoying and my self esteem plummets when they won’t leave me alone.

All morning long, this damn fly was flittering around my head. At first I would just brush it away and try to send peaceful thoughts its way but after like an hour, each time it came close to my head,  I was all ‘oh no you didn’t’ (neck attitude included) cause today is not the day to remind me of what a piece of shit I am. 

I began cursing at the top of my lungs and getting more and more annoyed while others became more and more amused of just how intensely focused I was at capturing and executing this little fucker.

So every time I got a glimpse of this annoying insect in my peripheral vision, I attacked the air like I was Luke fighting against the federation wielding my invisible light saber as I yelled profanities and Star Wars quips just to make it fun (I am pretty sure this is how ‘normal’ people get locked away for a brief period of time) *making Darth Vader like breathing sounds* Fly: ‘Patricia, I am your father’  Me: (best adam sandler impression ever! Think Happy Gilmore meets Billy Madison) “You’re gonna dieeee  flyyyyy!” Laser battle commences...cue the awesome lightsaber sounds *whhuuuummm, whhhuuummmm*



I was staring at the computer screen, trying to finish up some work when I saw him out of my peripheral, my back arched like a cat ready to pounce I stayed very still didn’t move a muscle…eyes focused straight …I was trying to trick the fly into believing I hadn’t seen him see? I was trying to show him I was still working see? oh yes I was being very very sneaky indeed… this was it…but as soon as I moved my eyes to the right it zipped out of my sight again! GOD Damn it!

I immediately took on Axl Rose’s persona as I shrilly said,  “You know where you are? You’re in the jungle baby!!! And your gonna DIIIEEEEE!” 



The people at the nearby restaurant were super impressed! They had breakfast and a free show!

My face contorted into some sort of golemnesque mask as I slowly wiped at  the area where the fly had touched me hissing ‘My precious. He wants the precious. Always he is looking for it.  But we mustn't let him have it.'


Man, was this fly fast! Seriously this fly had nothing on speedy Gonzales. Like maybe if you combined Speedy Gonzales with the Roadrunner and sprinkled some PCP over their heads and gave them one of those brooms from Harry Potter, maybe then they could compare to the lightning fast ways of this fly. Every single time I went to look at it and capture it, it moved out of my line of vision! It was like it knew if I got one direct look at it I would surely be able to end it’s annoying little life. This fly had the fucking Vulcan Mind Meld on me I swear! My mind to your mind Your mind to my mind ( I am such a geek to know this oh lord!)




I now am fully understanding of why cats will spend several hours chasing one flying insect…it’s not for the sheer joy and pleasure of it but because they are so fucking annoyed and must get even with the flying critter. There is some sort of twisted satisfaction you get out of killing an irritating insect.

I went back to my work and he showed up again but as soon as I moved my eyes he high tailed it away from me again!

I was hysterically livid …and then it struck me…um Trish, lets think about this for a moment… flies don’t have a brain large enough to conspire to irritate you nor do they have the ability to Vulcan mind melt with you…I nodded my head in agreement with myself…plus you have never once got a good look at this ‘fly’ right? So I moved my eyes quickly to the right and sure enough I saw my ‘fly’ again.

I took a look in a mirror and saw that it was actually a tiny mosquito that I somehow managed to annihilate with my amazing killer blinking abilities (now those are some mad skills right there, like some bad assed Karate Kid shit right there! Daniel-son aint got nothing on me, wax on, wax off!)

Its nasty carcass was resting right on my eyeball! I mean my eye was a little scratchy but I just figured it was a broken blood vessel or something from the lack of sleep I had the night before.   How fucked up is that? All that time, energy and terrible celebrity impressions,  trying to get even with something that I already had masterfully killed…I think a big DOH! is in order here! Like I should get a big wad of DOH for being so retarded (or maybe a 'special' helmet).

The Winner after this round: ME !!! So Suck it, Mosquito!

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~
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Monday, October 04, 2010

Rainbows and Dolphin Farts

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My new bloggy friend Marcy over at Giddy fingers  commented on my last post about laser hair removal saying "If I were to do it I would get my entire body lasered (apart from my eyebrows and head otherwise I'd just look like a freak dolphin)"

This image in my mind made me laugh so hard a little brain flew out of my left nostril (even though I don't have much brain to spare, it was totally worth it).

So here it is, the dramatic before and after Laser Hair Removal of Miss Giddy Fingers. Check out her blog she's totally hilarious!

BEFORE 


 AFTER



Now that is one sleek and sexy Laser Hair Removal procedure! That's Dolphin Hawt!

I wanted to show the before and after pics of Spiderman's buttery balls but alas, those pics were waaaayyy too graphic even for this naughty little blog *crooked smiley face*

Anyways folks, I won't be able to blog again till next Thursday due to a redardedly busy schedule that has just happened upon me *wipes tear from eye* I will miss you all so much *Oscar winning performance*
So, until then, keep it smooooth!
Kisses and Dophin farts to you all!
Patricia ~ The Naked Writer
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Thursday, September 30, 2010

Laser Hair Removal = Super Hero's Best Kept Secret!

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I have always wanted to try Laser Hair Removal, but whenever I think about doing it, all these unsubstantiated fears come up and consume me.



Like how do we know it’s safe? What if voluntarily subjecting yourself to lasers gives you cankles in the near future?



What if leg hair becomes fashionable 10 years from now and then I will look like a plucked chicken that no man will ever find sexy?


What if I get lost in the arctic circle while looking for Santa at the North Pole and the only thing that could save me from hypothermia is curling up with my big bushy Paul Bunyan legs?



What if when I am a senile old lady, I mistake my hairy legs for cute cuddly kittens that are always there with me, giving me something to live for…could I really deny my future bluehaired self that kind of pleasure?




What if the laser somehow deflects off my leg and hits a big shiny object like a desk or medical cabinet or something and then beams right into my eyes hypnotizing me to become the first anti hair removal robot. Where I turn into a lethal killing machine whenever anyone even mentions the phrase ‘hair removal’


That’s a little crazy I know! But we don’t know what these lasers are capable of…maybe that’s how the super heroes REALLY came to be…they were just regular civilians trying to rid themselves of excess hair…and poof laser in the eye! And now they have super powers and must save the fucking world every second of every day…what a pain in the arsehole…that theory makes much more sense to me than a spider bite or expedited human mutations.


Thanks for the Spiderman Costume pic

 

I also have an issue with Laser hair removal because it’s just a priest and a bottle of holy water away from being a modern day exorcism. Where we banish unwanted body hair as if we were (get ready to use a heavy southern drawl here) ex-or-cisin’ the demons! Sending that hair back to the depths of hell from which it came.
 The power of Christ compels you and so does the power of the Laser :o)

Anyone ever done this to themselves? Any problems? Does it actually work? Did you have hair removal remorse? Did you get cankles or Elephantitis of the leg area? Would love to know!

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

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Monday, September 27, 2010

Her Name Was Kock!

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You know when you first meet someone and they tell you that their last name is Kock and then you subtly point out the obvious ice breaker that could have the both of you rolling on the floor with laughter and being BFF’s for the rest of your lives but they fail to see the humour in it because they must be either dead inside or in a waking coma?







Then you have to bottle that laughter up and hold back all those zingers and naughty one liners that are now bombarding your brain until you can barely take it anymore.

Her pursed lips and scowl are now forcing you to swallow all that joy deep down into your belly until it can be released as a big fart at a later time when you are all alone with the covers up around your head so you can inhale the smell that once was the biggest laugh you never did have!


That is essentially what happened to me today. Except I haven’t had the pleasure of revisitng my joy in fart form yet. I feel all bloated with the laughter I had to supress cause of this girls missing funny bone.

My brain sent out an APB "calling all cars, calling all cars, be on the look out for one bone. Code name: Funny, known to reside in the elbow region...may be armed and dangerous."




I mean if my last name was Kock, I would totally make fun of myself by promoting myself with hilarious t shirts.






Or when people would say 'holy fuck!  Your last name is kock?' In my best Ron Burgundy, Anchorman impression, I would be all like 'yeah, it really weighs me down… all 12 inches of it' 

With a last name like Kock, I would be forced to procreate just so I could name my kids Sweet Kock and Hannibal Kock. These names alone would ensure my children's success in the porn industry and bring mamma home the bacon!
 I just don’t understand why people who have obviously funny names don’t have a better sense of humour about it!!!
~I surrender to The Writing Womb~


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Thursday, September 23, 2010

Even The Devil Would Be Afraid Of Me Today!

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You ever have one of those days where you wake up and it feels as if aliens abducted you and probed you anally in your sleep and then force fed you the hottest Chilli Peppers all night but wouldn’t allow you to drink anything to ease the burn-y feeling in your guts and mouth and then they pulled your brain out through your nose and refilled that empty space in your head with a big fat marshmallow which they then lit on fire just before you woke up and it’s been smoldering all day long…Filling you full of rage, that is unlike any other, in that you want to rip everyone’s heart out and shove it down their throat, just before you rip off their head and kick it like a soccer ball into the middle of the ocean?
 
 




Me too! Wow…we have so much in common!

I wish I could blame it on waking up on the wrong side of the bed but seeing as one side is always pressed firmly into the wall…that would be pretty much impossible.


All day I have been filled with a vile anger that is so overwhelming and so powerful that it would put Linda Blair to shame! You know, the little girl from The Exorcist who used her projectile vomit as lubricant so she could masturbate herself with that big silver cross while screaming ‘fuck me, fuck me’? Yeah I am like that only worse.


Scary huh?

My anger is making me even more angry and writing this blog post with a flaming marshmallow for a brain seems totally futile. I have to stop before I rip off each of my computers keys and send it flying across the room…cause even technology cannot escape my wrath today!




I hope your day is going better than mine


~I surrender to The Writing Womb~
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Monday, September 20, 2010

This Blog Post Is Rated Arrrrrrrr!

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Arrrghh! Is that a parrot in yer pocket or are ya just happy to see me?
Nah, it's just International Talk Like A Pirate Day.



Yar, I know it was yesterday but seeing as I weren't informed about it, I celebrate today instead yar!

I woke up this morning adorning me bestest and most prized eye patch.
All day, I be talking like a pirate that be sounding a lot like a Jamaican. Arrrr...all the mates think I am crazy yar!

I been celebratin today with a cup of grog, The Goonies and a shot of Vitamin C to keep that damn scuurrrrrvy away Yar!


Ok, enough of the pirate chat for now...seriously, pirate day was the funnest day EVER! I was not accountable for anything I said or did, cause I was a piratey pirate see? I got to tell people they were a rotten wenches, I got away with terribly poor grammar and I got to make people check out my fine pirate booty...ah I wish I could be a pirate everyday!

People thought it was fun and crazy. From now on, just to make life more fun,  I am going to make everyday have a theme. Like how about International Ghostbusters day? Or international Gibberish day...or what about International make fart sounds with your mouth and or armpits day????

OMG! That would be the funnest! When people ask a question, the only response could be a huge, loud, mouth fart! Joy! How awesome would that be? Some jerk off customer is complaining that he wants a refund and your only response is to blow a big fart! Now that is customer service!

What other fun days could we make?

Arrr,  I have to get back to being a pirate arrrrghh! I be pirating movies and music all day long on the Pirates Bay arrrghh! There be treasure in them thar internets yar! Like this photo of a cat on international frogs day...thar's the spirit kitty!


~I surrender to The Writing Womb~
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Thursday, September 16, 2010

Ummm, Is That Lavender Scented Compost? Nope, It's My New Organic Deodorant Stick!

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Hello deodorant, It’s me Trish…I thought you needed to know that you really don’t do a very good job at keeping me dry or smelling good. WTF is up with that? I paid good money for your sorry “all natural”, lavender scented ass and this is how you repay me? With arm pits that feel like they have been licked by a St. Bernard??? Thanks a lot!



You're as useful as an coked out, anorexic super model at an all you can eat buffet…what a waste!

You cost double what I normally pay for deodorant and yet you do only half of the work…are you unionized or just plain lazy?

I am glad that you are ‘Paraben and Proplyene Glycol free’ but maybe you should reintroduce those things back into your diet, cause without them, you are as useless as a Twinkie that thinks it's a tampon!


I was especially enticed to buy you when I read that your formula was 'New and Improved' and now comes with ‘Aerobic Oxygen’…I assumed that would guarantee that you were a master of your craft, but you lied! You lied right to my face!

 
If this was the Roman times, this would be treason and you would be ‘beheaded’ and I bet that would hurt a lot! So, if you wish to continue our relationship, then you’d better start to increase your productivity or I am sending you to Gillette’s Guillotine….Off with your head!

 
This lazy attitude of yours has got to stop! So, pick up the pace asshole and do your job!

 
You have 24 hours to comply with this message

Sincerely,
Trish

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~
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Sunday, September 12, 2010

Al Pacino Ate My Homework

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Dear totally awesome readers and dare I say, Fans? Not the kind of fans that keep you cool on a hot summer's day but the kind that adore the words and cartoons I write...there aren't many of you, I know,...but I get your hate love emails from time to time.

The biggest question in your sexy grey matter seems to be, Hey, what the fuck? Don't you care to write anymore? Why aren't you entertaining us more often? Are you too good for us now? Did Al Pacino eat your blog posts or did you in fact lose your fingers in some sort of freak firecracker incident that is preventing you from posting cause you now have nubs for fingers cause you didn't heed the warning from Smokey the Bear that says only 'you' can prevent firecracker fingers?

Well, I am pleased to say, I don't have stumps for fingers, although they are short and stubby but that has to do with my genetics and not due to the misuse of dangerous explosives.

Ok, so yes, I have totally wanted to write more often and create more comics and stuff  and I do realize I have been neglecting this blog and all of my bloggy friends, but the summer has been chalked full of fun and work, work and more work.

I wake up at 6:30 every morning and don't get back home until 8 at night as I have recently gotten back into teaching yoga classes every day, giving Thai massages and also helping out with administration and registration at a nearby yoga school. When I get home, in order to make some food, I still have to battle it out in the kitchen with the gigantic jungle Cockroaches that have somehow doubled in size during this monsoon season and have become pretty bad-assed! Last night, one of them did remind me of Al Pacino from Scarface, and I was all say hello to my little friend you disgusting Cock A Roch! The rest of my evening usually consists of showering, tidying up and thinking about how I am too tired to even masturbate, before I drift off to sleep. Life has been hectic and busy but I am loving it!



So I decided to sit down and create an intention for this blog and routine that I can stick to, as blogging helps to keep me sane and grounded, and of course, your comments keep the fuglies away and make me all sparkly and beautiful and I miss you guys too much!

Starting this Thursday, I will be posting regularly every Monday and Thursday each week. With more fun cartoons and twisted stories to titilate you to your very core (ha ha I said (highlighted).

My blog also told me that it needed some cosmetic surgery so, I gave it a nose job, a breast lift and a couple of ass implants...oh yeah,  you can bounce quarters off of that ass now....it's tight son!

Once the bandages come off, I may have to tweak it a bit more here and there but what you see now is likely the new look from now on. Hope you like it ;o) If you think of any other surgeries it might need, let me know

Oh and I would also like to give a shout out to all of you beastiality fans out there...umm seriously?  I got more than 45,000 hits on the Dog Beastiality and Google Tourette's Syndrome post I wrote a while back....Imma make Mommy proud for sure with that one! I thought the Unfortunate Blow Job Incident post was popular at 500 hits...lol well, as you know, I don't descriminate, so welcome all you beastiality and beast curious fans! Who knew there were so many of you out there? Guess I found my Niche?

Also, thank you to everyone who has voted for me on the bloggers choice awards. You still have time to voice your opinion and support this blog as either best humor blog, freakiest blogger or best entertainment blog.
Click here to cast your vote



Talk to you all on Thursday's blog post :o) If you want to comment on any of my posts or share them,  from now on, go to the top of the blog post to voice your own twisted point of view! The more twisted the better...I love reading them!

The Score After this post

Patricia ~The Naked Writer : 1
Al Pacino Cock a roch : 0

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~
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