First off, the morning challenged me with a tough mathematical equation; ‘Yesterday, a girl woke up at 3pm and had lunch at 9pm…if the same girl wakes up at noon today what time will she eat lunch at?'
Multiple choice BONUS QUESTION;
2 eggs plus 4 ice cubes plus 1 large slab of freezer frost =
D) You actually have to leave the house today and go grocery shopping
‘Boooo! I don’t wanna go outside!’ I have successfully hid myself away from everyone and everything for like 10 days now! (with the exception of yesterday's Monkey incident; but I didn’t have to leave my house, so that doesn’t count). It’s a catch 22 thing with me; I don’t want to leave my house (cause of a teeny tiny Agoraphobia issue, that, and the fact that I generally just can’t stand most people) and yet I am bored as hell of sitting around the house trying to write a book that doesn’t want to write itself! I thought being a writer would be like being on a permanent vacation! SIGH!
So, I said to hell with the rules and chose unlisted option E) Boil the eggs, ration them out for breakfast and lunch and skip dinner so I will be a slimmer me tomorrow. Sounded like a good plan right? Arrrrr (that’s a buzzer sound that indicates how wrong you are for thinking this was a good plan not to be confused with Argh! Which is Pirate slang for ‘fuck’…totally different you guys!).
Sure, I boiled the eggs. For the third time this week I have tried to unsuccessfully boil fucking eggs! Seriously, no joke, I just don’t get it! I went to various websites that told me all sorts of things that were unsuccessful and I even tried the ol’ poke a hole in the bottom of the egg, which according to some egg Guru is supposed to stop it from exploding (clears throat) ‘LIAR'! ‘You, lady Guru of the egg, are no Guru at all! Maybe your spawn of Satan eggs allow for such culinary success that you claim to have but REAL eggs explode in boiling water!’
This time, however, it wasn’t the Guru’s fault. I put the eggs on and forgot about them cause my Bluetooth Wifi crashed and wouldn’t locate my phone which is my modem and my only link to the outside world and the Internet.
OH NO! I panic and think was I safe? Did I use protection? Did some horrendously horrible disease penetrate my computer condom? Is it the Computer Clap? I accuse the computer of being a filthy unprotected Whore who likely turns herself on when I sleep, to floozy around behind MacAfee's back! AH the agony, I am tortured!
So, I don’t know how long them poor eggs were boiling but let me tell you, it was like they were trying to hatch out of themselves! Remember when you were a kid and there were those toys that grew if you put them in water? You know, it was like a tiny jelly bean looking thing that promised to be a dinosaur or sea horse or whatever and grow 200X its size?
Well, that’s what happened to the eggs! They joined together like some sort of Transformer egg 3 sizes too big and turned into some monstrous gooey disaster that I was afraid to get too close to! I went to go and take a picture so I could show you guys but NO! The battery was dead on my camera and it wouldn’t fucking charge! What the hell kind of Devil day is this turning out to be anyhow?
I toss the eggs into the jungle and think about fasting for the day, instead of going out, but my mouth is watering just looking at that slab of freezer frost. So, with the most ridiculous amount of effort I have ever had to make, I get dressed, brush my teeth and put on my helmet.
Let the fuckery continue! My Motorbike starts up without a problem and then dies. It does this again and again and again until finally, it just won’t turn over anymore at all. Hmmm, full tank of gas …check…serviced recently …check…helmet on…check ’what the hell is the matter with you then?’.
At this point, I felt like such a huge loser. See, I can be overly sensitive especially when I don’t sleep. I take things way too personally and have rejection issues, even with the things I own. First, my brain rejected me, then my Bluetooth connection rejected me, then what little food I had left in the fridge rejected me , and now my motorbike rejected me??? What the hell? The only thing that hasn’t rejected me today are those damn Dengue having Mosquitoes.
So I sat on that bike feeling embarrassed knowing that my broke assed, nosy neighbours were surely watching me and laughing at my expense (cause they don’t have hydro and I am their only source of entertainment). I really was expecting one of them to come out from behind a tree, laughing and pointing saying something in Thai that I couldn’t understand but would believe it to be ‘ha ha you a reject and can’t start you bike…such losery!’
So, in a dramatic effort to not look like such a loser I swore all kinds of profanities at the bike as loud as I could so the neighbours would know just how very angry I was and therefore not a loser (cause losers don’t get angry right?) and I stomped up all the stairs back into my house, slammed down my helmet and fumed over the fact that I even made an attempt to leave the house today at all! GRRRR!
I thought about walking the 10 km’s to and from the store but my feet protested. Well, I could fill up on toothpaste and ice cubes that could be refreshing. Just then, my fan, the only thing keeping me cool in this sauna of a bungalow, decided to take it’s last breath. It sputtered and coughed in a real Oscar worthy performance and then….it flat lined! ---------------------
‘FOR REAL????’ I sat there sweating profusely from my eyes…nope those were tears of frustration! Just then, I got a text from a girlfriend I was looking forward to hanging with saying she was bouncing from the country, sorry she didn’t have time for me blah blah blah …’until we meet again’ .
The world came crashing down upon my humble abode at that moment! I reminded myself that I have haven’t slept more than 3 hours a night for 12 days now, no one cares, everyone back home is so busy with their lives that they don’t send me emails back or call me, no one loves me, I am all alone in a shack in the jungles of Thailand trying to write a book and for what? Can I really handle doing this for another year?
For the first time in a long time, I felt completely lost and cut off from my life as I know it. I felt like conscious vapour ; highly aware of how invisible I was to the rest of the world. The sun was shining everywhere except over my head, out of no where, demonic black clouds rained down only on my house, I shit you not! How appropriate I thought! Is there someone with superpowers hacking into my life right now making everything miserable for me? Who did I piss off?
It seemed as though everything I owned and everyone I knew, in some form or another was giving me the ‘thumbs up’ (click here if you don’t get it).
I am now going back to bed to pretend to sleep and maybe that will wipe the slate clean?
BTW: Obviously, I got my Internet back so there’s the silver lining of the day!
~I surrender to The Writing Womb~