Friday, April 30, 2010

OMG Make it stop!

I am having a bad day!
First off, the morning challenged me with a tough mathematical equation; ‘Yesterday, a girl woke up at 3pm and had lunch at 9pm…if the same girl wakes up at noon today what time will she eat lunch at?'

Multiple choice BONUS QUESTION;
2 eggs plus 4 ice cubes plus 1 large slab of freezer frost =
A) Breakfast
B) Lunch
C) Dinner
D) You actually have to leave the house today and go grocery shopping

‘Boooo! I don’t wanna go outside!’ I have successfully hid myself away from everyone and everything for like 10 days now! (with the exception of yesterday's Monkey incident; but I didn’t have to leave my house, so that doesn’t count).  It’s a catch 22 thing with me; I don’t want to leave my house (cause of a teeny tiny Agoraphobia issue, that, and the fact that I generally just can’t stand most people) and yet I am bored as hell of sitting around the house trying to write a book that doesn’t want to write itself! I thought being a writer would be like being on a permanent vacation! SIGH!

So, I said to hell with the rules and chose unlisted option E)  Boil the eggs, ration them out for breakfast and lunch and skip dinner so I will be a slimmer me tomorrow. Sounded like a good plan right? Arrrrr (that’s a buzzer sound that indicates how wrong you are for thinking this was a good plan not to be confused with Argh! Which is Pirate slang for ‘fuck’…totally different you guys!).

Sure, I boiled the eggs.  For the third time this week I have tried to unsuccessfully boil fucking eggs! Seriously, no joke, I just don’t get it! I went to various websites that told me all sorts of things that were unsuccessful and I even tried the ol’  poke a hole in the bottom of the egg, which according to some egg Guru is supposed to stop it from exploding (clears throat) ‘LIAR'! ‘You, lady Guru of the egg, are no Guru at all! Maybe your spawn of Satan eggs allow for such culinary success that you claim to have but REAL eggs explode in boiling water!’

This time, however, it wasn’t the Guru’s  fault.  I put the eggs on and forgot about them cause my Bluetooth Wifi crashed and wouldn’t locate my phone which is my modem and my only link to the outside world and the Internet.
OH NO! I panic and think was I safe? Did I use protection? Did some horrendously horrible disease penetrate my computer condom? Is it the Computer Clap? I accuse the computer of being a filthy unprotected Whore who likely turns herself on when I sleep, to floozy around behind MacAfee's back! AH the agony, I am tortured!  

So, I don’t know how long them poor eggs were boiling but let me tell you, it was like they were trying to hatch out of themselves! Remember when you were a kid and there were those toys that grew if you put them in water? You know, it was like a tiny jelly bean looking thing that promised to be a dinosaur or sea horse or whatever and grow 200X its size?

Well, that’s what happened to the eggs! They joined together like some sort of Transformer egg 3 sizes too big and turned into some monstrous gooey disaster that I was afraid to get too close to! I went to go and take a picture so I could show you guys but NO! The battery was dead on my camera and it wouldn’t fucking charge! What the hell kind of Devil day is this turning out to be anyhow?

I toss the eggs into the jungle and think about fasting for the day, instead of going out, but my mouth is watering just looking at that slab of freezer frost.  So, with the most ridiculous amount of effort I have ever had to make, I get dressed, brush my teeth and put on my helmet.

Let the fuckery continue! My Motorbike starts up without a problem and then dies.  It does this again and again and again until finally, it just won’t turn over anymore at all. Hmmm,  full tank of gas …check…serviced recently …check…helmet on…check ’what the hell is the matter with you then?’.

Yes, I call it a Motorbike and not a ‘Scooter’ cause Scooters are those things that old people and the handicapped drive down the side walk on! Plus, I like to think that my 125cc Motorbike is a really awesome Ducati and I am the coolest bad ass for knowing how to drive this dangerous piece of machinery! I even pimped my bike with some crazy dirt bike tires so I look cooler and can fool people from a distance that it’s not a Scooter.

While I was trying to force my bike into submission, huge jungle Mosquitoes smelled my sweet Canadian Bacon-less Blood and sucked me dry leaving huge red itchy welts all over and probably infected me with Dengue Fever!

At this point, I felt like such a huge loser. See, I can be overly sensitive especially when I don’t sleep.  I take things way too personally and have rejection issues, even with the things I own.  First, my brain rejected me, then my Bluetooth connection rejected me, then what little food I had left in the fridge rejected me , and now my motorbike rejected me??? What the hell?  The only thing that hasn’t rejected me today are those damn Dengue having Mosquitoes.

So I sat on that bike feeling embarrassed knowing that my broke assed, nosy neighbours were surely watching me and laughing at my expense (cause they don’t have hydro and I am their only source of entertainment).  I really was expecting one of them to come out from behind a tree, laughing and pointing saying something in Thai that I couldn’t understand but would believe it to be ‘ha ha you a reject and can’t start you bike…such losery!’

So, in a dramatic effort to not look like such a loser I swore all kinds of profanities at the bike as loud as I could so the neighbours would know just how very angry I was and therefore not a loser (cause losers don’t get angry right?) and I stomped up all the stairs back into my house, slammed down my helmet and fumed over the fact that I even made an attempt to leave the house today at all!  GRRRR!

I thought about walking the 10 km’s to and from the store but my feet protested. Well,  I could fill up on toothpaste and ice cubes that could be refreshing. Just then, my fan, the only thing keeping me cool in this sauna of a bungalow, decided to take it’s last breath.  It sputtered and coughed in a real Oscar worthy performance and then….it flat lined! ---------------------

‘FOR REAL????’ I sat there sweating profusely from my eyes…nope those were tears of frustration! Just then, I got a text from a girlfriend I was looking forward to hanging with saying she was bouncing from the country, sorry she didn’t have time for me blah blah blah …’until we meet again’ .


The world came crashing down upon my humble abode at that moment!  I reminded myself that I have haven’t slept more than 3 hours a night for 12 days now,  no one cares, everyone back home is so busy with their lives that they don’t send me emails back or call me, no one loves me, I am all alone in a shack in the jungles of Thailand trying to write a book and for what? Can I really handle doing this for another year?

For the first time in a long time, I felt completely lost and cut off from my life as I know it.  I felt like conscious vapour ; highly aware of how invisible I was to the rest of the world.  The sun was shining everywhere except over my head, out of no where, demonic black clouds rained down only on my house, I shit you not! How appropriate I thought! Is there someone with superpowers hacking into my life right now making everything miserable for me? Who did I piss off?

It seemed as though everything I owned and everyone I knew, in some form or another was giving me the ‘thumbs up’ (click here if you don’t get it).

I am now going back to bed to pretend to sleep and maybe that will wipe the slate clean?

BTW: Obviously, I got my Internet back so there’s the silver lining of the day!

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~


YogaSavy said...

Am rolling out the daughter with laughter! Sorry it had to be at your expense.... LOL! Hmm wonder what tomorrow will bring
Thank you

Tiffany Harkleroad said...

Your illustrations would have been enough to get me to follow your blog. The fact that the writing is brilliant is a nice bonus!

Nina Manson said...

What a great post. Anyway, i'm sorry for your bad day but i'm sure the day after would be just fine. Chill!! Hugs.

Lizanne said...

I am literally crying my eyes out at your terrible day, and your egg illustration in particular. You sure know how to translate bad luck into one hell of a good post. If it's any consolation, I had a bad day on the 30th too - must've been the alignment of the planets or something...

Cameron said...

The Mutant Transformer Eggs must have been been telling all your shit to scheme against you. Maybe Mart could take you where you need to go?

Dani Duck said...

Sorry to hear about your crappy day. It reminds me of some of the days I've been having lately.

You need to go out and get something to eat if you haven't already! You wont lose weight by starving yourself. I think I actually gain more when I eat too little. Do any of your grocery stores do delivery? I know several people who go online and have them delivered.

I hope today went better for you. Have confidence in yourself. Lots of hugs.

The Naked Writer said...

Glad my bad day brought smiles to your faces...cause your smiles turned out to be my smiles which made my day better! Thanks for the comments everyone!
@Yoga Savy 'rolling out the daughter with laughter' that made me roar with laughter! First time I ever heard that one.
@Tiffany, brilliant? ah, now you've gone and done it! my head has inflated two sizes too big :o)
@Nina, thanks for the hugs i love hugs!
@Lizanne, are you crying cause of my bad day or cause you had a bad day too? sorry to hear the planets fucked with our happiness....damn alignment...become good again already!
@Cameron, Mart rocks! thanks for sharing him with i have a cool getaway bus to hitch a ride with!
@Dani again, i love hugs so thanks for them...i live in the jungle on a small island in thailand so they don't i don't really have a real address...i tell people i am past the yellow for rent sign 1 mile into the jungle, half way between the cashew nut tree and the enormous ant hill...i don't think they would find me! i did finally hitch a ride to the store and bought me some yummies...belly was happy!

Jacob Lewis said...

Argh! (Pardon my piratey-French.) I'd say more, but there's a lot more to catch up here. Might need more than a day.

Clare and Gary said...

Just reading, as I have been food shopping (sorry) ... I love your blog.. You really are talented ( ok now I sound like a stalker!)
Do you need me to send a food parcel?

The Naked Writer said...

ohhhh a girl stalker, haven't had one of those in a while ;o) yes, please send my parcel to 'one mile in the jungle halfway past the Cashew nut tree and the Enormous Ant hill' Thailand 90210
Thank you !

f8hasit said...

Your graphics alone have made me spew coffee through my nose...

Love it.
Your blog. Not the feel of coffee in my nose.

Wow, that was awkward said...

I have yet to see anyone that looks cool on a scooter. Except maybe a gay guy once in awhile, but gay cool is a little different then cool in general. So good thing your motorbike isn't a scooter.

The Naked Writer said...

@f8hist ahh nothing like a good ol caffeine nasal enema to perk you up eh? glad you enjoy it! i love your stuff too!
@wow ummmm hello! i look cool on a scooter! i would even look cool if i was wearing a peter pan costumer while singing judy garland songs and chewing on a smurf! toot toot (that's me tooting my own horn)
last time i checked i wasn't a gay guy..but that could of changed in the last 5 minutes as i am always morphing and shapeshifting...too many drugs way back when


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