Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Vegetarian or Killer of Vegetables?

Hi, my name is Patricia and I am a Vegetable Hating Vegetarian.

I just get so happy when I torture and eventually kill vegetables by refusing to eat them. I mean, look at the picture below don’t I look happy?

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Every single time I go grocery shopping, I have a compulsion to buy vegetables I hate, because I think that I should be putting this "healthy stuff" in my diet. Instead, it turns into a sadistic ritual of hunting, gathering and then enslaving these veggies in my refrigerator crisper until they eventually melt into some sort of thick vegetable soup at the bottom of the drawer.

Now, I am a very miserly person so, in theory, that should make me want to eat the veggies before they go bad. I finally acknowledged I had a problem about 2 weeks ago, when I somehow convinced myself, yet again, to buy another bag of lettuce that I knew I wouldn’t eat.

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In the first couple of days, I heard  some enthusiastic sales pitches, coming from the crisper.  ‘Hey, look at how crisp and green I am! Don’t you want to eat me before I start to wilt?’ ‘Hey there! Look at how sexy my leaves are, don’t you want to put them in your mouth?’

Now, I like to give my fresh veggies hope, so in the beginning, my reply would always be ‘maybe tomorrow, right now, it’s too much trouble’ and I would slam the drawer shut,  feeling guilty for being wasteful when there are starving people somewhere in the world, covered in horrific clothing from The Gap.

About a week later, the lettuce was starting to get panicked. When I opened the door,  I heard him cry from the crisper “Don’t waste me, please master, let me fulfill my destiny of being eaten so I can evolve in the next life”.

The carrot finally spilled the beans when he said in his deep husky carrot voice “your wasting your breath lettuce! Don’t you know she takes pleasure in letting you rot? I mean look at me, I have been here for a month, I have some sort of blue fuzzy herpes thing growing on my body and strange white twigs growing off of my entire being and she still doesn’t get rid of me! “

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“ But if you think I have it bad, look at that poor bastard on the other side of the crisper, rocking back and forth,  now he’s been through some tough shit! You know how he got that bruised head? “

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“She beat him! “

“That’s right, he pleaded with her to let him out and she jammed his head in the crisper door and left him there over night. He just hasn’t been the same ever since. It’s like that beating broke his brain and now all he does is just lay there drooling.

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“And unless you want to suffer the same fate, I suggest you shut your leafy mouth up!”

I didn’t hear a peep out of the crisper drawer for at least a week. Then this evening, I took a peek to see what was going on in there and they all started to yell at me, they couldn’t take it anymore. I gave some of the vegetables (and one fruit) some hope when I took them out of their clear coffin.

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Only to sadistically destroy all their hopes when they realized I was just teasing them and using their rotting corpses for a sick little photoshoot, for your viewing pleasure.

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After the impromptu photoshoot, I wondered, “Hmmm, whatever shall I do with you guys?”

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I took pity on the Dragon fruit and threw him off my balcony to be one with the jungles in Thailand where I currently live. His destiny will be fulfilled tomorrow when the chickens eat him.

“As for the rest of you, if i throw you out now, I will have to take off your packaging to throw you into the jungle and that would require me to touch your gross parts. Sure, I could throw you in the garbage bin but it’s hot and you will rot and stink up my kitchen until the garbage man comes. So, back you go, into your crisper of death, until I remember to check on you again.

Nighty night, just remember, mama loves you!

~ I surrender to The Writing Womb ~.
>

9 comments:

Crystal@pshhaww.net said...

i TRIED to be a vegetarian once. It lasted a month. And i will say that i felt awesome BUT its just so boring and i needed MEAT. So a lot of my vegetables ended up just like yours. Dead.... :/

The Naked Writer said...

lol well at least you gave it a shot! that's all life is anyways...just a bunch of experiences might as well try them all! I seem to be able to survive off of rice, yogurt and peanut butter sandwiches...but that doesn't seem so healthy! I can eat the veggies and often i force myself to but just i never seem to get around to it...it seems like so much work the washing, cutting and cooking ughh! the peanut butter calls to me with how easy it is to make....scoop and plop onto some bread...done! lol i have no patience.

Chrissy said...

Oh my gosh, girl, you're hysterical!

The Naked Writer said...

@Chrissy, thanks for noticing my hysterical awesomeness! i can never hear that enough! is my rampant narcissism making you sick yet? lol

Organic Meatbag said...

Wait, was this post a pre-cursor to the blowjob story? It looks like you are getting ready to re-enact the story with carrot dude there... juicy fruit or wrigley? Hahaha

vehicle help said...

Better lifestyle habits can help you reduce your risk for heart attack. Learn what you can do to help prevent heart disease and stroke. Thus EAT VEGGIES!!!

Writing Womb said...

@ vehicle help...ummm thanks, i never knew that better lifestyle habits can help reduce my risk for a heart attack! Guess I should stop living in this cave!
Boy, I want to say something sarcastic, but I am not sure how exactly!
I am now renaming you from vehicle help to mr. obvious! Thanks for that tip though, it's kind of like telling a smoker that smoking will give them lung disease, but i appreciate your effort!

Widow_Lady302 said...

I am a veggie-a-saur too, and my molding veggie crisper exists less out of hate of them and more out of pure LAZY. This is how I've cooked dinner for a while now.

"Hello Pizza place, one large vegi pizza"

"Hi Burger King, I'll take a vegi burger"

yeah...no meat and no ambition...CHEERS!

Whitney Soup said...

! one of my bffs is a vegetable-hating vegetarian too. i didn't know more like her existed. lol

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