Sunday, May 23, 2010

#1 Dear Duane… I am Getting Older Can I Put My Mail Order Husband On Layaway?

(Speaking in a high falsetto Jerry Seinfeld voice JSV for short)
What’s the deeeal with getting older? ~end of JSV

I totally hit rock bottom last night as I convinced myself that at 31, I am an old maid who needs to get married pronto!

So I totally went online searching for a Mail Order Husband…and not for a joke or blog material either…I was for real real serious dude.

(Speaking the JSV) And what’s the deeeal with them calling it a ‘Mail Order Husband’ why not use the obvious catchy pun and call it 'MALE Order Husband'????! (~end of JSV )

Fucking douches!

OK, so first off, there’s only like two fucking sites that actually have Mail Order Husbands, and let me tell you, the options on either of them were highly unappealing…like I would rather swim in sewer sludge run off while watching The Flintstones, squeaking some Styrofoam in my teeth and gagging on plain wilty Celery stick strings while listening to cheesy Country Pop Music that’s being microwaved into my brain at super nuke power… I think that we can both agree on the magnitude of how much I would hate all of the above things! So, there's that.

I hop on this one site and take the extensive 18 question survey so they can use an AlGoreRhythm ( I should of known right there cause Al Gore ain't got no rhythm he ain't got no alibi he ugly *clapclap clapclap* he ugly *clapclap clapclap*…that’s my shitty version of a high school cheer now you know why i wasn’t a cheerleader, and NO!! It had nothing to do with my enormous ass…~JSV~STOP YELLING AT ME!!! end of JSV ;o))

Oh, so ya they used the AlGoreRhythm to determine who the best candidate would be for me to marry and you know who I best matched?

This fucking guy:

His name is Hans and he is a ‘German sailor seeking his Mermaid’ and he’s also ‘not shy about his body’  this isn’t a joke see, it’s a snap shot right off the fucking site itself!

Click on pic to see more better details

Now, maybe he's a nice guy but I sure as shit ain't a Mermaid and considering boats make me projectile vomit so hard it's like a "lazer" (Austin Powers style biatch) that is so powerful it can cut through Shark Meat...I don't think we would be such a great match.

After much deliberation and laughing, I decided to look at my other options on and low and behold, I found these keepers which are my top picks:

Andrew is from South Dakota and describes himself as a "23 year old balding man who is in a hurry to find love"
His vampire teeth are what caught my eye cause I want my own Edward Cullen dammit! The fact that his head just refuses to fit in this picture is also a bonus. Sega game character Bonk would be seriously challenged by this noggin.

Buzet is from Romania and is looking for a 'big girl from America who drives a Camarro, has a job and can dress my wounds"
His features are so similar to the count from Sesame Street that I get a little gooey inside. I bet you didn't know this about me, but I always had a thing for 'Count Chocula' orgasm! ha ha ha ha! Two orgasms! Ha ha ha! What can I say, I love me some accountants!

*Editor's note (that's me, I am the Editor)...It has been pointed out to me by 'Woman Confused' that this man actually resembles Pee Wee Herman, not so much The Count from Sesame Street. OK, I tried to sneak one past you, but how can I not love Pee Wee? We are totally soul mates and of course I have been in love with him since I was like 8! Let's run it down: Um he had his own play house with talking everythings, he too likes cartoons, he totally loves having big adventures with his big red bicycle, he was like in Buffy which revolutionized the way I like talked for at least 5 years and he likes to masturbate in public areas just like me (only people don't mind when I do that *shrugs*)!! Wonder twins unite! Form of PeeWee Trish...I LOVE PEEWEE Herman! He's a comic genius with the giant underware on his head routine, connect the dots, la la la (how did he come up with that stuff?) (nuff said). I have even 'friended' him on Twitter a few months ago, I am such a nerd, but he never really has anything interesting to say, but then neither do I...Maybe I should rethink my final decision and pay full price for this gem after all! What do you think dude?

Steven from New Mexico likes to relax with "a couple hits of ether".  He prefers a "woman that has insurance and a car" as he needs to occasionally go to "Mexico to pick up "souvenirs".
With his Charles Mason-ish bad boy, I don't care cause I am too fucking high to give a shit looks, how can a girl like me resist?

Marcus from Southern Idaho says to 'trust him, drinking paint thinner is a bad idea' He also "knows a few magic tricks"

I have always had a thing for Rip Van Winkle ...dirty sexy! Dirty hot!

Bertram is from my neck of the woods; Canada. He claims to be "A trouble maker" a modern day "Clyde seeking his Bonnie to be partners in crime"
He recently "got booted off for cyber stalking" but he is all better now.
I love a persistent man and what takes more persistence than stalking?

The best part is, this particular site has the ‘layaway’ option so for my broke ass, that’s truly a bonus.

Dude, aren’t you impressed with my keen eye for awesomeness? I know, I can hear you now laughing with me and not at me…pathetic attempts at love, that is what the fear of getting older tends to bring! Hey, remember 7 years ago, when we were shopping in that cool store that sells all the awesome Hallowe'en outfits and lava lamps and you said to mark your words that if I was still single in my late 20's or early 30's that I wouldn't be so picky, I would be pathetic and trying to nest down with anything that even looked my way? Cause it's a genetic anomaly that all women have to lower their standards the older they get??? Well, I am 'marking your words' now.

It seems for you men out there, you get your pick of the litter for finding  hot, young,  European or Asian brides, she’s  just a click away for you.
But for us desperate totally fulfilled women here, we get to literally pick THROUGH the litter and hope to find a clump that’s only a fur ball and not a greasy cat turd! Oh the agony! Seriously, and you have to pay for the privilege of boning one of these luscious man bear pigs??? Great Scott! What is this world coming to?

I had to think long and hard (that's what she said) about my decision but based on my monetary difficulties, I decided to go with this 'sale item'.

 Meet Fuad from San Bernardino, USA.  Faud has "been here for about 2 years." Apparently the company has already lowered his price two times. He says he's "a red-hot special, come and get me."
Something about the look in his eye and the price tag that's slashed in half makes me wanna keep him! So back off, he's all mine...the others are for the taking! Plus, it looks like he's saying that he will love me long time ahsooo!

Awesome Blossom Biatch, hope you like your diary entry!
Love Trish Nugget-itis

FYI: Dear Duane is a diary I am writing for my best friend of more than 15 years…we have been estranged for 2 years and I miss him and want to talk to him so I can be 'normal' me (think foul mouthed 4 year old with Turrets, all tweaked out on Crack, Red Bull and Smarties stuck indoors at Recess for misbehaving).

So I write this diary to him to scratch the itch, NO! not the itch caused by Crabs or The gum disease known as Gingevitis!! The itch of missing talking like I do only when I am around him. (ME english good, me make weirdly constructed sentence whhoo whhoo aahhhha ahhhh)(That's my angry monkey sounds)

Maybe our paths will cross again some day…but until then, I need to be the retarded side of Trish, I cannot suppress her any longer! I have been saving this  'A' game material especially for Duane. It's time to share it, hopefully he finds it one day cause my cheesy jokes will make him laugh till he poops a little or a lot.
For more information go here to Dear Duane page

Enjoy the read everyone!

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~


Mimi said...

Love that profile pic, was that after our last dinner?...OMG, I laughed so fricken hard girlfriend. Spittin on the screen!! Thanks for the immunue boost, you rock! xoxox

woman:confused said...

The romanian (??) guy doesn't look like the count - he freakin' looks like peewee herman!
and, in all honesty, I think he may be your best bet.
Well, aside from traditional means to find men, such as being a barfly, hooker, desperate slut or whateveritis people are doing that is getting them married off!

Lizanne said...

This was genious, Trish. I can't even believe those men are real. I want one! (Damn, I already have a husband who looks like a muppet...) lol
And what a wonderful way to scratch your itch - you get relief, and we get a laugh in the process! Therapeutically hilarious stuff.

Marilyn said... many keepers!!! Oh, poor you, 31 and it is the end of the world!!

I have to say that when I got divorced at the ripe ancient age of 39 four years ago, my single friends were annoyed with me. Within two years I had four proposals for marriage....had dates all of the time and left it all behind because I wanted to travel the world and teach.

Funny thing about the men I have met abroad. 1) "You are single? IMPOSSIBLE!" 2) "You have to have a man." 3) Why aren't you married (again)? 4) Someone must have broken your heart.....

I totally enjoyed your post. There are a ton of wonderful men in the world...I find them all of the time. I have never wanted marriage, I have wanted freedom...and I love the adventure of life.

So, while your post is super funny and could make milk shoot out my nose, I have to ask...not why you are still single, but if you are just will see it. NOTHING spells sexy to a man more than a woman who is just who she is.

If we ask like crazy needy things...well that is what we will get coming at us.

The other wonderful a serious tone...if you love yourself, and focus on a person minus their possessions (no way should you ever use that to measure love) you will be happier beyond your wildest dreams...why? Because you never expected that someone else should be in charge...YOU are.

You found a few gentlemen not at the top of their game...hopefully when you look at someone in the real world, you will see someone you were blind to.

Just let it happen.

Happily SINGLE, celebrating my fourth year of freedom this year...may I never be brain damaged enough to ever get married again.


One Pea said...

Oh my goodness, you have surely hit the jackpot there. I'm jealous. Please, let me know which ones you're leaving for the rest of us. While I'm in no hurry to get hitched, it would be nice to start building a relationship with the lucky man.

IndigoWrath said...

All I can say is, "thank fuck you didn't find mine". Though I'm a god, obviously.

The Naked Writer said...

@Mimi yes that was the last dinner we had...wacaroni 2009 baby! I love that picture we all look so happy...glad to have made you spit up on your screen that is my only goal in life now, to keep your immune system in tip top shape xoxo
@woman confused he totally does look like peewee I had to make an edit to this post to discuss this further, thanks for pointing that out, i am a closet peewee lover!
@Lizanne lmfao that you have a husband that looks like a muppet! Muppets are hot!x o to you
@Marilyn congrats on being happily single for the last 4 years! Thanks for such inspirational words...I have felt very much the same way as you do about being a 'free' woman with no husband or kids to tie me down. I said no to a couple of marriage proposals so i could give up everything and travel the world and teach yoga while pursuing my dreams of writing a book but sometimes, I get a little panicky like holy shit i am not doing what 'normal' people do. When I think of where I should be in life, compared to my friends who are the same age, i feel like some sort of social failure and then i do stupid shit like look on line for a husband (not my finest hour to be sure) Mostly, I am really happy being alone it's just those rare moments of loneliness that catch me off gaurd.
@One I did hit the jackpot...I am gonna put my money on layaway for lucky peewee herman look a like...the rest is for you!! Best of luck ;o)
@Indigio...*gasp* Mr. Wrath, did you just swear? I don't think I have seen a swear word from you before! Of course your a God, that's why i couldn't check out your profile, I am but a mortal see?

becca808 said...

ahhh, here's to the thirties and the crazy thoughts that seem to unleash from that mind! Oh joy to see all the fabulous men that are just waiting for the picking! LOL! I loved your sense of humor in telling the story

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Midwestern Mama Holly said...

HOLY FUCK !! I would break my neck to lick my own before any of them would get at it.
I can has eyeball bleach now, please?

kiki said...

I think I'm diggin' south Dakota Lol!

Brooklyn Book Lover said...

Holy crap! I cannot believe these men actually exist! I am going upstairs to kiss my husband right now! I just realized that I don't appreciate him enough. The next time I think about filing for divorce I will pull up the pictures from your blog.

Hang in will meet the right one when you least expect it.

Suhail said...

"His name is Hans and he is a ‘German sailor seeking his Mermaid’"- Hahaha. Epic Picture! Love the use of the JSV. Seinfeld really does hold all the answers to every awkward situation. No soup for you!

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Trish! Oooh, good catch! I meant "thank GOSH you didn't find mine." It's a good point actually, I'm rather careful to avoid it when I write. Which is odd, because I really don't when I talk. Hey, check this cartoon out - I'm the gent on the left - ;> Indigo "Mofo" Roth

The Urban Cowboy said...

First visit here and I gotta be subjected to photos of 'the ugliest losers'? Thanks.

Writing Womb said...

@Mr. Cowboy, sorry it wasn't a post about broke back mountain or something...actually you are lucky, I was going to do a post exclusively where I took pics of Penises that weren't to my liking...but I thought where's the funny in that?

@Indigo that was a great cartoon, very clever. I actually swear a lot more in person than I do when I write (hard to believe huh) I am one big bleep when I talk! Truckers find me uber attractive

@Suhail Agreed! I have been able to get out of a lot of really uncomfortable situations using the Jerry Seinfeld Voice ...for some reason using it as loud and as falsetto as possible tends to make people a little afraid of you and they forget the embarrassing thing you just like a charm!

@Brooklyn thanks glad the pics could make you appreciate your husband...see I knew this blog would help someone some day!

@Kiki, yes South Dakota appeals to all the girls fantasies ...I mean I have always wanted my own Vampire too it's so romantic!

@Midwestern >>>passing you the eyeball bleach...that's pretty impressive about your breaking your neck to lick yourself ...that takes some mad skills and dedication good for you!

@BOXY person...ummm why do you put a bunch of boxes on my website, I am still not proficient in Boxanese...but from what little I do know, i think it says that you want to love me long time and you are actually a conglomeration of all of the men put together on this site? awesome!

@ Becca yes, being 30 and single sucks cause it aint no picnic out there for sure...glad you like the story

spankey said...

Hilarious! When you submit a photo to the site wouldn't you pick a presentable one?
Having just gotten married at almost 41 years old I can tell you to have a little patience, ignore the voice that says being by yourself is a bad thing, and never be surprised at what you find in the oddest places (like the mini mart where you buy your lottery tickets - where I met my new husband)! And, yes, like on my blog everything I think comes in 3's

Marcus said...

Hey! Loves the blog! Thanks for commenting on mine, it's nice to know someone other than my mother reads it!

And I wish everybody watched Kauffman movies, as the world be a much more chill place.


Writing Womb said...

@ Marcus; Glad to join your mom in reading your posts! You do a great jobby!

@ Spanky well darlin, you give me hope then! Is there a pill you can take to get some patience, I haven't learned how to cultivate that yet!

Stela James said...

What a funny face.
part time jobs

Brans~Muffin said...

I envy you...having so much Man Meat to choose from....who ever is left over send me their emails...Id Like a Go!

Kathy G. said...

Seeing as I live in the San Bernardino area, you'll have to fight me for Fuad!!!

LOL...great stuff!!!


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