Thanks to the Queen of the Cherry Poppers Eolist Petite for making my narcissistic dreams come true! ( I call her that cause she popped my award cherry and it felt good).
With such posts as The Unfortunate Blow Job Incident and That Red Bull Made Me Horny With A Karate Kick To The Vag, how could she resist? I knew the awards people would come knocking down my cyber door when I wrote those posts of inspiration!
When Eolist Petite passed the ‘I love your blog award’ torch over to me I wasn’t surprised (joke) (OK, not a joke) and I told her
“I will write a blog that will sweep you off your feet and poke you in the eye all at the same time! Thanks for thinking of me! “ wow! Wasn’t that clever of me?
I have a few people I would like to thank (tears streaming down my face, mascara running, big booger bubble growing out of my right nostril)
First, I would like to thank my mom!
Mom, you’re the best for abandoning me in that dumpster as a tiny baby while you went off to prom. For without that experience, I would never have been raised by a hilarious pack of processed cheese who taught me the ancient art of 'Le Force Du Fromage' for without the ‘Le Force’ I would never have been blessed with this prestigious award!
I would like to thank and send a shout out to my bed; I love you, you are my life, my band aid when I hurt, my love, my couch, my beauty salon, my meditation cushion, my dining table, my office, my networking guru, my own personal nudist colony, my entertainment center and occasionally, I sleep on you too!
I would like to thank the great and formidable Chuck Norris for years of funny material.
And last but not least, I would like to thank the fans for without you, I would be nothing but a blogger with no award.
So the rules of accepting this award are simple, I have to answer a question and I am supposed to pay the award forward to….15 blogs????
Hey! I thought I was special!!! ARRRR! wrong! Upon further review, I am not so super fucking special...as almost everyone I really like, already has one these awards! Hmmm score one for the 'Spit In Your Eye And Stomp All Over Your Precious Inflated Ego Team!'
Anyways, the question for me is:
'What /Who/ and/or Where would you be if you could choose your own destiny?'
Oh like the books? I have a confession to make, I always cheated on those Choose Your Own Destiny books….they were fun and all but it was a shame to read a whole 50 pages only to make the wrong choice and end up stuck in a hole in a scary cave somewhere waiting to die! What the hell kind of kids books were those anyways?
Ohhh wait, that was Choose Your Own Adventure books, totally different, I got it ;o)
First let me say, I never wish me to be anyone but me cause I am so full of awesomeness and fortitude that people bow when I walk into a room…or maybe they pass out from my particular brand of fortitude…whatever!
So, with that being said, if I had to not be the coolest person in the world (ME), then the closest second best I can think of is this Unnameable Villian of Moxie...
I would have the mane of a Lion, the brain of Einstein, the wisdom of Buddha, the mad powers of a Jedi Knight, the face of Megan Fox with Angelina Jolie's lips, the horn of a Manatee, the heart of Jesus, Jenna Jameson's left breast and Pamela Anderson's right breast.
I would have the stomach of any Victoria secret model, the ass of Jessica Beil, the vagina of a virgin school girl who does Kegals, the wings of a Unicorn, and the legs of a Giraffe with the feet of a Monkey oh and all of Bill Gates’ money!
Then I would be ALMOST as Fantabulous as I am now.
I don’t know exactly what you would call that concoction but I think HOT and totally Increderiffic are the words that come to mind... think about it, with those giraffe legs I could eat fruit way up in the trees so I would never have to pay for groceries again and then, because of my awesome wings, I could be like Star Trek and search the galaxies for new life forms and then the aliens could no longer probe me cause of my uber tight Vagina and they would no longer abduct me cause I would abduct them first and submit them to all sorts of random invasive tests like who could polish my Manatee horn the longest and who would win at Space Monopoly…
Does that answer your question? I would draw this for you but I think your imagination can do a better job than I ever could.
So, now to the Winners Circle Jerk!
In order to claim this award,
#1 you must (but don't really have to if you don't want to) pay it forward to a few of the blogs that you love but they HAVEN'T received an award yet (you are supposed to award 15 blogs but really? Come on! 5 - 10 is a better number and makes it more prestigious).
#2 you must (but don't really have to if you don't want to) also write a blog that includes this;
Take the very next Word Verification you get and make a blog about it.
No cheating and making up a cool Verification to write about. It should be at least a decent size paragraph...dress it up if you want with some cartoons or seal it with a kiss
Below, are the Creme De La Creme of blogs, if you haven't checked them out yet, I highly recommend that you do! Just wear some diapers cause accidents will most assuredly happen. Yes, some of them have been awarded already, but to them, I give the 'I love your blog again' award cause they rock so much, they need to be told again and again.
And the Winners of the I love your Blog award go to (in totally random order) click on the links if you want to visit their blog!
Indigo Wrath - Indigo Roth; I love your writing! It's unique, witty and your stories leave me in awe....the fact that you pimp out Domino's Pizza every chance you get is an added bonus.
Hipstercrite - Your writing is so fresh and creative...you inspire me to continually think outside of the box. Thanks for that.
Organic Meatbag - Billy; Your blog cracks me up and I hope this award inspires you to write more often!
It Was Dark, Stormy and I Lost My Serial Comma - Wow that was awkward; Every time I see your name come up, I giggle at all the awkward moments that come rushing into my mind; like how awkward it is that your name and blog title took up so much space on this award post! You have a quirky sense of humor that is wonderful!
Hyperboleandahalf - Allie; I love your work so much! I try not to eat for 10 hours before reading your blog cause you make me laugh so hard that brain spits out of my butt hole and somehow not eating for a while helps with that. Thanks for inspiring me to give cartooning a go!
Mialeentje: for the everyday diva - Lizanne the 'Mamapreneur'; Your blog makes me feel all squishy inside like a frog that's been run over by a dump truck! I love your ability to capture the innocent things in life with such beautiful prose and humor too.
The Monster Apathy - I just found your blog and have already read through one years worth of posts! What can I say, I am an addict to the sarcastic one liners you are able to weave. I bow to your awesomeness as you have truly mastered the art of being funny!
E-loumination - Jacob ; What can I say that hasn't already been said? Funny, charming, sarcastic, deep and thoughtful! Thanks for keeping it real.
Well, that's it for the award ceremony. Thank you to all the participants!
Jeez, this was one hell of an epic ceremony, see the diapers came in handy after all didn't they?
So save the award that's appropriate to you here and past it on your blog
First time award winners use this one
Second time or more award winners use this one
If you feel that your blog deserves an award cause of its awesomeness,
shoot me an email with your link and if it is really creative, artistic, inspiring, or so funny it makes me squirt milk out of my nose, even though I haven't drank milk since like 1999, I will include it in the next awards ceremony!
Score at the end of this game;
'The naked writer': 0
The Spit in your eye and stomp all over your precious inflated ego team: 1
~I surrender to The Writing Womb~