Thursday, May 06, 2010

The EMO Stalker

So, I have a really intense stalker who is screwing up my life and I don’t know how to get rid of him.

He is an EMO.

Not to be confused with Elmo or an Emu…totally different you guys!!
See Elmo is a stuffed toy on Anti Depressants and Crack/Cocaine and the Emu is an Ostrich Impersonator hailing from Australia.

To enlarge any of the pictures just click on them

If you are out of the loop and don’t already know what an Emo is, it’s usually a teenager who is sad all the time and doesn’t feel good enough about him/herself.

OK,  that’s every teenager out there, so what gives?
Well, let me break it down for ya!

Emo Likes:

  •  The depression, The tight black girl pants, The black hair, The androgynous look, The vintage 80’s t-shirts, The hair covering most of the face, The dressing in drag, The black nail polish, The black makeup, The white face, The Converse shoes, The studded belts, The drawings of skulls,  The checkered pattern, The striped pattern, The colours black and white, The Sorrow, The thick framed glasses, The neck ties, The Marilyn Manson, The Wicked Witch of the West, The Uncle Fester, The poetry and The cutting of themselves
Emo Dislikes:
  • The fuzzy Bunnies, The Rainbows, The Sunshine, The fresh Air, The day light, The smiling, The Judy Garland, The Babies, The Butterflies, The puppies, The kittens, The Jello, The Happiness, The other colours that aren’t black or white.
Favourite sayings:
  • What is the point of life?
  • I hate everything.
Ways to use the word:
  • ‘Ah! Jeff cried during the new Tim Burton movie, he’s so Emo!’
        Got the picture now?  No?   Here’s one:

emo hi5 for

Great, everyone on board? Now, let’s move on shall we.

So, based on that description, you may think my stalker is a 16 year old boy  who wears too much makeup and likes to dress in black girly pants.

ARRRRR! Wrong you are!

My personal stalker is an Eternal Misery Ogre

Where ever I go, he's never far behind! The better the day, the more chance of him arriving to sweep me up in his sea of emotional vomit. He’s not really a ‘scary’ Ogre,  just a damned depressing one.

He has all of the attributes of the above mentioned Emo yet there are a few minor differences.

First, his voice: E.M.O. sounds like how David Schwimmer would sound after he’s eaten two bowls of pasta, smoked a joint, taken 4 Xanax,  and watched the static on the television for 22 hours straight.

Upon further inspection, I believe that David Schwimmer may be the head E.M.O.! Isn't the resemblance uncanny?

                                              Thanks for the Schwimmer pic

E.M.O. has sneaky shape shifting abilities. One moment I have my eyes closed happily smelling a beautiful flower, life is good, all is well in my world. The next moment, a tidal wave of outrage and melancholy hits me as I realize it’s not a beautiful flower, just E.M.O. in disguise and he’s all like ‘Hi, Trish! It’s just me again!’

He stalks the happiness right out of me!

I never know when he’s gonna strike. I could be looking at a little Kitty and then go to pet it and wham!!! It’s the fucking E.M.O... he’s got me wrapped in his sad little force field!

These little fuckers are very tricky, so watch your back! They like to turn all the innocent, fun things in life into a gloomy pile of despair .
They usually disguise themselves in the form of Clouds, Flowers, Birds, Bunnies, Babies, Puppies, Kittens and Butterflies.

E.M.O.'s tend to smell BAD! You can tell which people have one following them by how many friends they don't have!
The stench of him is so pungent it’s like the devil takes a dump wherever E.M.O. goes. There's no escaping his soul melting stink.

 Once he’s found you, he’s a Stalker for life. If the force is strong with you, you can keep him at bay with a good Care Bear Stare. Be warned though, that only holds him at bay until your defenses are down.

He never gives up, the most relentless fucker known to man!  He’s like a pestering child that constantly taps you on the shoulder so that you will 'look at what I can do' except even if you look, he will never stop poking you with his sadness.

Since they are dissatisfied with everything, E.M.O. tends to change his identity frequently! I often get informed in writing about these changes.

My E.M.O. has changed his identity at least 12 times that I know of.

When I first met up with him, I knew him as the Edible Misery Onion which turned into the Epic Misery Officer but I liked him best when he was the Enormous Meaty Organ!  I have pictures of him from back in the day.  I will post them later when I can find them.

E.M.O. tends to get all sentimental if he hasn't seen you in a while. So expect snail mail from time to time with poems he writes to you about his 'feelings'.

Can't read the poem? Click the picture!

It doesn't look too hopeful that I will be able to break it off with him (I have been trying to for years ).

So, seeing as he is such a big part of my life, you will likely read more about our adventures together in future posts.

If you have ever had your own personal E.M.O. and successfully terminated the relationship, I would love to hear about it, leave me a comment.

Want your personal E.M.O. to be included in the next story? Send a pic of him / her, a description and your blog addy (so I can give you props) to:

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

All original artwork is the property of me and is copy written! Thanks!


Jacob Lewis said...

I suggest giving him a gummy blowjob. No matter what these other guys think, getting my cock caulked up with gum could actually be a deal breaker for me. It's like spitting sunflower seeds in some girl's vag while I'm going down on her. I don't care how many orgasms I give her, I don't think she'll be willing to overlook it.

Wait, which blog is this again?

Oh! Awesome new word in the verification thing: Mandomn! It's like random for men. Mantastic!

Hipstercrite said...

The babies!

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Ms. Naked! May I call you... Trish?! I make a point of letting inner EMO (Extra Morose Outlook) get the shit kicked out of it by my outer ELMO (Extra Large Meatypizza Orgasm). Domino's just banishes those blues for me, every time! Indigo

Brans~Muffin said...

I had one of those once, we got divorced! LOL Jacob...Sunflower Seeds? Really?

The Naked Writer said...

@ Jacob ??? lol that was quite the rant! thanks for sharing ...rofl! mandom is the word of the always seems to give you what you need doesn't it...umm not mandom, but the word verification
@Hipstercrite ...
@ Indigo of course you can call me Trish please do...although ms. naked is growing on me ;o)
Ahhh i think you have discovered the ultimate EMO! you are right! when i eat pizza regularly, emo doesn't come around...sadly, there is no good pizza in thailand ;o( lmfao at the visual i have never seen a meatypizza orgasm before but it sounds really really messy and chunky! gross! lol ...thanks for sharing your emo/elmo story with me...highly entertaining!
@brans...hmmmm so you married your stalker? how interesting!

Lizanne said...

I am ashamed to say, I used to BE an EMO. Yes. I was finally purged of the inner-ogre, but it was pretty messy. Rubber gloves were most definitely involved. I can say no more!!

The Naked Writer said...

@ Lizanne You, an Emo? did you have your hair all slick backed and dyed black? that would look cool on you!
hmmm i need details woman! What blunt instrument did you use to purge him?

Widow_Lady302 said...

I have to go with Jacob on this one, and suggest a gummy blow job...who can REALLY be sad when the worlds strangest looking organ is covered in chewing gum?


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