Thursday, May 13, 2010

How To Successfully Stalk Like A Pro, Without Being Creepy, in 10 Easy Steps.

Hey everybody!
OK, so I have been hounded with questions on how is it that I am so Awesome and how is it that I successfully stalk people without being creepy.

These are REAL questions from Real imaginary people in my head!

Let me answer the voices now...

On my Awesomeness; I was born with two extra ‘Awesome’ Chromosomes, only it didn’t give me just any type of Awesomeness, it gave me The Downs Syndrome type of Awesomeness with a side of extra Awesome.
What can I say, when every Doctor I went to said I was one in a million, I knew right then and there just how strong my particular brand of Awesome was.

Bipolar Diva proves my point by actually giving me an extra ‘W’ in this comment…

she knows true talent when she sees it

Now, on how to Stalk people without being creepy:

This is some highly coveted information but through trial and error, I have managed to devise a formula that works 100% of the time from the one person I have tried it out on…with odds like that you will be the best stalker on the Blogosphere in no time.

To show you what I mean, I will use the only example I have to prove my point throughout this ‘How To’ guide. I lucked out the other day when I found a blog written by Naked Cupcakes wait a sec…hold the phone, Cupcakes that are naked AND writing a funny blog??? But isn’t that a little pornographic? Yes it is! So of course, I took affirmative action …let the stalking begin.

There are lots of mistakes you can make as a rookie and nobody likes a one dimensional Stalker so let me give you some tips on how to become the best you can be in just 10 easy steps.

#1     Find A Victim.
Finding a victim is easy just search through blogs and pick the one you resonate the most with.

If you are also looking for someone to stalk you back,  you should be sure to filter carefully and pick someone who seems like their humor is a little off …people who swear a lot or use hilarious depictions of their Uterus as a Purse are perfect examples of a good candidate.

Just remember, Stalkers are like Vampires once you invite them into your house you can never un-invite them, choose wisely.

#2    Check Out Their About Me Section
Click on their profile image or visit their ‘About Me’ section to get their email Addy hassle free. At this stage, also note their favourite movies, songs, or books so you can seem like you have something in common with them later on.

If you can’t find either of these two Stalker Gems, it could be a little trickier to hunt down their information and only experienced Stalkers should proceed. Email me and I can give you more information on this.

#3    Notify Them Of Your Intention
Upon first contact, Introduce yourself and/or notify your potential Victim in writing about your intent to stalk them. This will seem funny to the Victim and more than likely they will not take you to be serious.  This guarantee's your profile will be checked out as you will be labeled 'Quirky' instead of 'Creepy'. 

Remember; If you are Funny, Quirky, or Silly, then people won’t peg you as a Professional Stalker and this makes getting your foot in their virtual cyber door, much easier.

#4    Reassure Them
In the first paragraph of your email, be sure to tell them ‘not to worry’ this always makes people trust you easier. Follow that up with a naughty reference to something shocking or use humor that is similar to the style used in their blog. Be sure to use vulgar language but only if they already use it on their site.

This will ‘hook’ your potential Soul Stalkee and make them need to read more of your email. Also, convincing them that you are not trying to sell them anything seems to work well.

#5    Compliment Them
Now that you have ‘hooked’ their attention, give them a sincere complement and follow that complement with what you actually do when you read their blog but because what you do when you read it is probably creepy, make it seem like it’s a joke.

When I emailed Naked Cupcake,  I really did 'gnaw on my own funny bone until a chunk fell off and then I whittled that chunk into a toothpick to clear away year old teeth debris and the occasional pube'

Of course I did that, but I made her believe that I was joking and I ‘snagged me a Marlin’ with that joke! (If you were a perceptive stalker, you would have just noticed that I used an Austin Powers movie reference which leads us to my next point).

#6    Use Movie Catch Phrases
Always make a reference to a well known movie saying (preferably one of their favourite movies. If you are unsure of a quote from a movie they love, you can always google it to make it look like you love that movie too).

Repeating movie catch phrases says that you are normal cause you know pop culture and if you watch movies then you must be a good person. ***Interesting fact: the more a person uses movie references/titles on their site to get their point across, the higher percentage of them being a wonderful Reciprocal Stalker***

#7    Use Hidden Messages
At this point, change the colour of your lettering to white (or appropriate colour to blend in with the back ground of your email) and include a clause that basically says 'upon responding to this email, in any way, including to say 'stop emailing me', you are hereby agreeing to have me (your name here) Stalk you.  Thank you for your patronage and for choosing (your name here) to be your own personal Professional Stalker.'

#8    An Invitation To Stalk
Change your font colour back to black (or default colour) and invite them to stalk you back. This always makes them laugh and feel safe cause real stalkers would never do that…or would they?

#9    Serious Stalkers Only
Make sure to tell your potential Reciprocal Stalker that you only want the best of the best;  only the ‘Top Gun’ Stalkers should apply.

In your email to them, go into a detailed explanation of what you are looking for so that your guidelines are clear.  After all, being open and honest is the key to any good relationship!

Be warned though, by giving them your information, and inviting them to stalk you, this makes their job a lot easier as they can by-pass stalker steps 1, 2, 8 and sometimes 3. Thus, making it more likely that you will attract some Lazy Spam Stalkers and not a genuine professional such as you deserve.

#9 1/2    Confirmation
Reconfirm your intention to stalk them for the rest of their life. This ensures that they know if they respond back to you, there is no getting rid of you.

This is the equivalent to a legal binding contract in the court of law as you were so obviously clear with your intent. After all, it isn’t your fault the fine print happened to be the same colour as the screen!

#10    Filtering Stalkers
Be sure to add only one piece of your personal stalking information for them (IE only your website). This helps you filter through real Stalkers and Spam Stalkers.

Any ‘Top Gun’ Stalker will be able to get all the rest of your details like your phone number, home mailing address, eye colour, bra size and what colour poo you had this morning, all by themselves.

That’s it, you are done! You will now be considered their ‘friend’ and in no way will this come off as a creepy stalker type of email.

People will think that you are a comic genius, which is the best way to disarm your future Stalkee(s).

Now, if you have done your email properly, it will read something like this:
Right click pictures to enlarge and open in a new tab

Upon sending it to your victim, you can expect this kind of response within 2-4 business days:

Here is a break down of the email, my response to what Naked Cupcakes wrote will be in Red Italics...unless you are colour blind, then it will be in Black Italics:

‘This might be the best e-mail I've ever received.’
(This stalker is good! Here she is very masterly in her reply as she shows me, all at the same time, that I have successfully disarmed her, she accepts my proposal and she is using stalker rule #5 !)

“I'm totally going to respond to it appropriately. My shoulder is jacked, and I'm on some pain meds.”
(You know you are truly successful in your Stalking endeavours when even pain meds and a bad shoulder can’t stop your ‘Stalkee’ from responding back to you…also, notice indirectly how she is still using rule #5 here)

“That being said, your e-mail could be a hallucination. But, if it is, I'm a brilliantly hilarious hallucinator.”
(Wow! Again, nothing but skill here, this is the perfect Triple Axle of rules #3, #4 and #5 …well done!)
Note: be wary of Reciprocal Stalkers who only use, #5.  Although your ego will appreciate it, this can be a Stalker of the lazy kind and that’s not what your looking for in a ‘Top Gun’ Stalker.)

“I am a stalker of the first order.”
(here she assures you of her worthiness and Stalker competency which is very comforting )
“I leave comments longer than my forearm sometimes.”
(she is basically telling you that she will stalk you from the bottom of her heart and she is agreeing to your initial demands that your stalker must be talkative)
“I'm surprised I haven't scared more people.”
(brilliant use of #7 you can’t see it, but trust me it’s there and #9 1/2…this entire paragraph is very well done.)

“You had me at "labia," "
(#2, #6 she got my Jerry McGuire reference and tossed it back at me this shows she could be my Stalker Soul mate by taking an active interest in my movie references)
and we got married at "labia trimmer." We renewed our vows at "free” “
(wow, this just screams Stalker Love with this incredible Trifecta of #3, #4 and #5 this is truly a winning combination that Naked Cupcakes has perfected!)
Plus, you're all naked and writey, and your site has "womb" in it, which is awesome”
(pointing out the obvious awesomeness of  someone is a great way to seal the deal and works ‘all of the time, 60% of the time.’)

Excellent! So Upon review, Naked Cupcakes has shown she is a Stalker that really cares.

She masterfully and unknowingly (or so we think) used Stalker Tips #’s 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and 9 1/2.

This is a most excellent naturally gifted Reciprocal Stalker, a perfect match. I’m going to go ahead and celebrate now that I have found my Stalker Soul Twin!

If you found this article helpful in capturing your perfect mate, send me a shout out and tell me all about it, then we can be BFFSS (Best Friends Forever Stalker Style).

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~


Kristi said...

"it gave me The Downs Syndrome type of Awesomeness with a side of extra Awesome."
a) funniest sentence I've read all day...err it's only 9:30 a.m....still it will probably be the winner.
b) I love stalking/being a creeper and I love others who are also proud of their stalkerawesomeness. It is truly an art form:)

YogaSavy said...

When and how do you do it!(ok not that do it....)What I would give to be in that head of yours! Stalked for life....

Sarah P said...

I just had a heart attack and died of having a lady boner lasting more than 10 minutes.
That's a real disease. It kills over one blogger a decade.
I don't even really know how to respond to all this awesomeness.
Maybe we can braid each other's leg hair and make a list of bloggers we'd kiss and a list of bloggers we'd diss.
Then, we can totally eat, like, a whole bag of Doritos and watch "The Shining" and get all scared and cuddle.

Jacob Lewis said...

I'll bet you even have a license.

Brans~Muffin said...

I am so glad you shared this! I was just about to "Buy Now" the Stalker Handbook on! You just saved me an assload of nickles, not to mention the Shipping and Handling Charges! I really only wanted a Justified reason to Buy Altoids Sugarfee Chewing Gum, Spearmint, 1.05 Oz The New is only 17.66 and the Best is the Same Price----->

Kiki said...

Lol!Thanks for the tip!

Edward said...

You are doubly awwesome squared. Funny at that. I appreciate the tips.

Charmaine Clancy said...

I haven't been stalked in the longest time. I now feel bad that I didn't appreciate all the work that went into the craft. Now I know when someone wants to kill you so you can be together forever, they are expressing a beautiful love. I'm feeling all nostalgic for the guy that used to do the drive-bys :-(

Clare and Gary said...

ooooh I'm off to find someone to seriously stalk, its a bit of a commitment though!

Bitsy Baby Photography said...

wow, seriously you have got to be wearing the red badge of wit; the best read of my day!! this blog definitely gets dropped into the awwesome-don't-miss-a-post file aka my inbox =)

The Naked Writer said...

@Kristi yes it truly is an artform, i am glad someone can appreciate it as it takes a huge amount of effort and perseverance...oh, and i seem to be having an extra case of D.S. without the awesome right now so don't expect any witty come backs ;o) glad that comment made your 9:30!!!
@YogaSavy umm how do i do what? make a post? well, i just have to listen to the voices in my head and they pretty much tell me what to do so the process is getting easier every day, as every day i blog the voices get louder and louder...good stalkers like to see whats inside of their victims heads (literally) so you would be a worthy stalker...i salute you
@my belly...why are you growling right now? i just fed you already!
@ Sara ...i tried so hard to include what i wrote in your blog into this post but i just couldn't fit it i think i will make that a second part on how to really get your victim to like you....cause you seem to like my brand of stalker crap...isn't it lovely! i am happy to have given you a lady boner for more than 10 minutes altough the picture in my mind is truly worth more than 1000words!
@jacob yes i do have a licence and i am also giving out licences to stalk so do your best and you too could have your very own stalker licence
@brans, i know what you mean who wants to BUY the book? this info should be for free! i tend to stay away from the sugar free stuff it hinders my stocking capabilities...i also tried to include a post about how i managed to stock your bra size out of you but alas, that too will have to wait for part 2 of this ongoing stalker series
@kiki your welcome
@edward doubly awesome squared!!! that means awesome x 2 and then do that all over again right? wow, i liek the way your brain works, glad we both agree about my awesomeness and how tremendous it is!
@charmaine, i haven't had that much time to stalk too often so i will get right on that now that you can appreciate a stalker for what it's out i am coming (think norman bates style)
@ clare it is a commitment but i have faith in you plus you can start off strong and then wane off a bit later on so that always helps
@bitsy wow i didn't even notice the badge but i looked down at my shirt and you are right i am wearing it today, glad you enjoyed it and are starting to sound like an inconspicuous stalker already by adding me to your inbox...he he he excellent!
thanks everyone for the comments and the support! it sure is a lot of fun sharing the voices in my head with you...glad you appreciate them!
love, me!

Matthew said...

If I type this comment with a handkerchief covering my mouth, will you still know this is me - or will I be safe?

Because after reading this posting, I reckon you're a bit of a worry...... :)

~Onreeone~ said...

Your awesomeness is truly amazing! It only took three pages to print this blog out for future reference. Thanks for the info~ oh how it's going to come in handy as I prepare to stalk (without being creepy)...hehehe!

Anti Vigilante said...

Is there like radio-awesomeness measured by Geiger counter?

This my second comment in the last hour. Is that stalking?

Christi Johnson said...

I have been trying for the longest time to get Tyler Perry's attention so that he marries me and makes me co-writer on everything he does in the future. Yes, I'm already married, but I'm moving to Utah so I can legally have a second soon as Tyler understands that my stalking is not a sign of mental instability and he responds to my 47 daily emails. Thanks for reminding me how important it is to keep the vision clearly in front of me. I know I will eventually prevail.

Stalking is sooooo healthy.

Writing Womb said...

@ Matthew I still know it's you but don't worry I have a lot on my stalking plate lately...but you will have your turn soon enough!

@Onreeone ha ha I should make a printable version is what you are saying?: I will get to that stat! Glad to help out fellow stalkers

@Anti two comments in an hour is a just being friendly actually 10 comments in an hour is still be friendly according to my maybe 50 an hour would be a good stalker start...but then you would be considered creepy so whatever is considered creepy, divide that by two and there you go, the perfect equations for happy stalkers everywhere fyi 25 comments an hour = a healthy stalker

@Christi...for someone as famous as are going to have to step it up a notch girl...47 emails a day? are you kidding me? in this situation, you need to double that number maybe even triple it! He won't consider that stalking, he will consider it cute and endearing and you will have your second legal husband in no time flat! Keep the dream alive!
Stalking is a very very healthy way to say i love you and will kill you if you are not mine...I can't think of anything healthier to do in this life time

Keeping it real~ all the time, Trish aka the naked writer

tbaoo said...

today while stalking in the facebook app i was presented with a statement that sex relieves tension .. and now i'm presented with this biological adjustment of one's (not mine ) labia !! - i mean is that really necessary, what does trimming mean? is it not more important to adjust, fluff or plump up my flagging penis ? the stalker in me ( what a thought ) would have to be needing of such a needing !!

you madam are rude, funny and inappropriate - i will have to compete with you for attention, from the highest yardarm and the lowest landing strip, indeed i was going to become a bikini line inspector, (edges are my speciality) until i learn't that i'd have to bend down, not so easy in my delicate flagged condition.

Source Blogger said...

You and your stalker friends are more than welcome to come stalk me on Source Blogger.

Stalking seems to be more "proactive" than lurking... and I can live with that. =) Ha!

Jeffrey Baril <> Source Blogger
"Determined to make you a better blogger!"

Anonymous said...

I have a lot to learn if I am going to be a great stalker. Everyone else is so good at it already! :(

Lisamarie and Christelle said...

Well geez, way to take all the fun out of stalking for me! If I can't be perceived as creepy then what do I have going for me really...?

Your blog is super awesome -

One question: do you need... someone, or do you need me?... Forget it, I don't really care

Anonymous said...

well technically, no motherfucking loser in this motherfucking world would believe such a motherfucking crap of pure motherfucking shit. i m saying this motherfucking shit is dump because people these days are too smart for that. in other words, they are not stupid anymore to 'laugh' to the so-called joke of inviting them to stalk. they would just leave the motherfucking page and get on with their motherfucking lives. for ex, on facebook, you just chat with a random loser and you says that 'I am stalking you',, she won't motherfucking laugh but she will motherfucking block you and get away. So screw your motherfucking 'awesomeness' with your motherfucking chromosomes coz you are a pathetic sore-motherfucking brainless son of bitch :p have a good day, thx for taking my anger.. sorry for being harsh :D

Anonymous said...

to anonymous up here...
yo muthafucka dis,muthafucka that,you are not in OZ prison,hooo,i think you from finland,is n it?that guy kicked your ass off with another girl,when you were young,you trying to friendzone your old friend,do you remember,how a real motherfucker you are??some things are unforgiven..


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