Tuesday, May 04, 2010

The Unfortunate Blow Job Incident

I keep saying that I will share my ‘shady’ past with you guys and I never seem to get around to it.  So, in keeping with the spirit of my intentions for this Blog, I bring to you, a true tale from the vaults of The Naked Writer.

This is pretty graphic, so consider yourself warned! If you are a relative of mine, you probably don’t want to read this one.
Seriously, skip it!

I used to have this thing with gum, it was a love affair of sorts. I could talk, smoke, twirl my tongue ring  and chew gum all at the same time …it really was a fine art that I mastered masterfully!                         




                                         
For years I chewed only Green Spearmint Gum (he was the coolest) but gave him up for the more aesthetically pleasing, White Peppermint Gum (we were much better suited for one another, and he matched the colour of my teeth).  Frankly, I was sick of seeing photos of myself where one side of my smile had that angry Hulk look.   I mean, I  knew  it was gum but other people felt bad for me and what looked like my rotted teeth.

gum not rotting teeth 

My gum and I rarely parted. It was a game, carried over from my childhood,  to see how long I could chew one piece. In my house, as a kid, you had better make your gum last cause who knew when you would get more. One piece could last me a few days hell, maybe even a week.

That gum was my Adult Pacifier, my Blankie, my Safety Net. When I didn’t have something to say, I could rely on Ol’ Faithful for comfort, to distract me from awkward pauses.  Instead of biting my tongue, I just had to bite the gum…much easier! It made uncomfortable silences quite comfortable for me…cause after all, it wasn’t my fault there was silence…I was busy chomping!

Now, as any Gum Connoisseur will tell you , in order to continue recycling it, there are a few important rules.  The most important of all, is to never, ever, ever, chew it immediately after eating peanut butter! For all of you peanut butterly challenged folks out there; this is a deadly combination that kills chewing gum, morphing it into some sort of slimy alien that attaches and bonds itself instantly to anything and everything.

So, one night I disobeyed the rule. I thought I could escape it, I thought it could be different for me, just bend the rules a bit, it’s what I did in life and  I was good at it dammit! It wasn’t a lot of peanut butter I swear! Maybe a cracker or something with a tiny bit on it …no big deal. I downed the cracker and reinserted the gum as Mr. X and I raced upstairs to go fool around. Just to be sure, I tested the gum, it didn’t seem to have a gooier texture, it didn’t stick to my lips, all was well in my world!

good idea

Click on the pictures to enlarge

bad idea

We were making out for a while and in between kisses, I would sneak a couple of inconspicuous chomps as per my usual.  Mr. X sees this and puts out his hand. “Spit it out”

“Nooooooo! I  just put it in”, I whined.

“No you didn't! That was like 4 hours ago, Patricia. I swear, one of these days you will wake up with it in your hair , or all over my sheets or you’ll get it all over me. Fuck! Spit it out!”.  We fought over this often.

“FINE! I have to go to the bathroom anyways so I will just spit it out there”  I lied.

Instead, I tucked the gum in the top right hand side (my fav corner) of my cheek and pretended as though I tossed it.

We resumed our lengthy make out session and he was none the wiser cause I was 007 participating in the covert mission ‘Operation Stealthy Gum’.

Things get all heated, and I end up going down on him.

Now, here’s where things get a little sticky. Previously, I had gotten away with this on many occasions, never a mishap…sometimes a tiny fumble but I always made the recovery, so it had never been a problem  and he was never the wiser.

But, on this particular occasion, I was quite naughty and very giving (more so than my usual) think Ultimate Sword Swallowing Championship and I was playing to win! So in my eagerness to please, I just simply forgot that I had the gum in my mouth!

At some point, I finally came up for a little gulp of air and a quick chomp before heading back down to bring him round the finish mark. Only, there was no chomp cause there was no gum.  ‘But where oh where could my little gum be?’ I wondered.

me oh no with dick

‘Did I swallow it in my intense oral passions with Mr. X?’

Now, the room was dimly lit so I couldn’t see very well, but it didn’t appear to have fallen out.  No big deal then, all is well in Trish Land right? Arrrrrr (that’s the buzzer that indicates how wrong you are) and I am following that up by the pirate slang ARGH!!! Cause fuck me sideways! As I got closer, all I could see was a glorious erection covered in what looked like white silly string and capped with a hefty looking Hard Hat.

mutant gum attacks

Oh no, oh God this can’t be happening! Mr. X  said this would happen! He predicted this very thing would happen ‘one of these days’ .. but I always told him ‘no way, you underestimate my mad gum wielding skills’.

Shit, this would mean…duh duh duh (that's the intense old scary music sound for you guys that don’t know yet) that I would have to admit that he was right and I was wrong?????

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Say it isn’t so!

I will never admit defeat! I will never surrender!

‘SHIT!  When did I fumble the gum and how the fuck did I get so lost in this Blow Job that I forgot about my Mouth Blankie?’

I panicked, he can’t know. Everything was in slow motion. My eyes wide with fear, I couldn’t think quick enough. ‘I must fix this and recover the fumble’ was all I could think! So, in a suave move to buy some time, I practically knocked out one of his eyes with my boob (all in slow motion of course) as I expertly diverted his gaze from the cold hard truth awaiting him down below.

He thought that I was being kinky,  little did he know, I had only one thing on my mind;  how could I win this? How could I get it off his dick without him knowing? I couldn’t bounce to the kitchen for gum removal aides, that would of be a little obvious.

‘Ummmm well, maybe it’s really not all that bad, after all it’s just one little piece of gum right? I could just continue to go down on him and it will come off with a little extra enthusiasm right?’ ARRRRRR! Wrong again!

Fuck, all I was doing was making it worse! Instead of it all gently rolling back into a the perfect piece of gum, for my future chewing pleasure (as I imagined it would), I was just smearing it around even more.  I tried to buy more time but as I was incapable of doing my signature mouth moves, his body knew something wasn’t right yet his mind was still hoping for something awesome!

But what to do? The c(l)ock was ticking…So, I did the only thing I could think of, I covered my teeth with my lips and tried to peel away each string of gum while making it seem like this was something new that I was trying out on him. I was diligent in my efforts and tried to be thorough but there was no winning this game.

After a minute of doing this, he got super annoyed.
“Trish, what the fuck are you doing?”

I just stared at him with huge sorrowful eyes, and blurted out as fast and as furious as I could;

Me im sorry

“FUCK I am so sorry! I didn’t spit out the gum and now it’s all over your dick! Don’t be mad, I was just so into it that I forgot about the gum! Sorry!" I winced and laughed at the same time. He however, did not find the humour in this situation at all.

It took a long, long time to get it off. We used everything, yet some remained even the next day. Apparently, the head of the Penis is a veritable magnet for mutated peanut buttery gum.

The moral of the story? Obviously, I don’t have morals! I just shared a ‘best friends only blow job story’ with strangers on the internet! :o)

PS. Yes, he made me grovel and I swear I had to tell him a million times about how he was right and I was wrong. It was totally humiliating.

Final Score of This Game;
Mr. X: 1  The Naked Writer: 0 

PPS It took me an entire day to animate this story cause of slow firing synapses and shit...so if you like it, hate, or are indifferent to it, leave a comment and let me know!


~I surrender to The Writing Womb~
>

40 comments:

Lizanne said...

NOOO! I can't believe it - I typed a big long, descriptive comment and it then I got booted! It was something along the lines of:
rofl
glad I peed beforehand
thanks for giving me a heads-up
my verification word was 'poner'. No kidding.
The illustrations, as always, are superb.

Jacob Lewis said...

I'm actually at a lost for words feeling somewhere between disgusted and horny. It's not a good place to be. But thanks for sharing. That took guts. You still have my respect.

Jacob Lewis said...

Did I really say "lost"? I meant "loss"! Ugh, so disgusted... and turned on, too. It's torture!

Tiffany Harkleroad said...

Best blow job story ever.

The Naked Writer said...

LMFAO you guys! Thanks for reading it! It was fun to recreate it but a lot of work too! Glad you guys didn't find it too disgusting!I was scared as shit to share this but it's all in good fun and that's the whole reason to do this blogging thing anyways...get out of my comfort zone and speak the truth.
@ Jacob...disgusted and turned on??? how does that even work? lol
@Lizanne ...i hate it when the computer has a brain fart and dismisses my writing...it makes me very angry! Lol at Poner!!!!

JennyMac said...

OMG...HILARIOUS for us....and so completely not hilarious for him.

HAHAHAHA. Wow, you really like gum, dont you? LOL.

YogaSavy said...

hahah! read it to my husband and he burst out laughing but felt more like a painful laugh!.

Mimi said...

Oh Pebbles, you know how to make the most out of a story with your outrageous honesty and downright lovable humility. You rock chiquie! You made me laugh so hard this morning, thank you! xoxo

Patty said...

OMG, I LOVED this story - you are too funny!! Will definitely read it to my husband! Thanks for the laugh and, no, not at all disgusting!! I am following your blog and glad that I am doing so, honey!! Keep up the great fucking writing - you rock!! :)

Patty Zasloff said...

Would love for you to follow me, honey!

http://apps.facebook.com/blognetworks/blog/zigs_zags/

Hugs, Patty

Wow, that was awkward said...

What in the world is he complaining about? He still got the blowjob! Unless there is biting or teeth scraping, there is no such thing as a bad blowjob. Kinda like pizza and beer. No such thing as bad ones. Gum or not!

SugaryCynic said...

that was the most horrifyingly hilarious thing I have ever read!!

Ordinary Girl said...

This is my first time visiting your blog and after that story I think I may return for more. You're writing, as well the story, is incredibly funny and certainly made me smile. As an aside, I once had a drunken one night stand with a gum chewer and woke up in the morning to find gum in my pubes! Needless to say, I waved him off, shaved it off and never mentioned it again :-)

Abby said...

that was very very funny :P also thanks as i will now avoid this situation :D

The Naked Writer said...

@ Jenny i really liked gum...i have weened myself off of it cause i chewed so much of it for over a decade that i got tmj :o(
@yoga savy, i love that you share stuff like this with your husband...cool relationship you guys have
@mimi i miss you! so if i can't hang with you in person at least i can share my zany shit with you via telekenesis...or the internet for now until i pimp up that super power
@ Patty, glad you enjoyed it and that's for telling me i fucking rock cause i tend to forget so a reminder is nice! oh and i am following you back too
@wow ...whenever i see your name come up all i can do is sit there drooling for a while not cause i am in love with you or anything but because i can only think of all the awkward times in my life and they rush to the surface when i see your name...so great name! i like your style too..obviously, you are not a whiny bitch and take what happens to come your way...how very manly of you!
@Sugary 'horrifingly hilarious' thats a new one...i love these new terms! i thought this post would be a train wreck and people would picket and whine about a blowjob story. good to know
@Ordinary, lmao at your story...gald to know i wasn't the only one with this crazy experience! i love that you didn't have the patience to try to get it off you...just shaved it off...awesome! i hope you do pop your head in once in a while to catch up on the blogs i write...i hope to keep it playful, zany and of course animated with lots of poorly drawn cartoons
@ ABBY yes, i hope you will avoid this situation and spread the word about the evils of peanut butter, gum and oral sex!!!
Thanks for reading and thanks so much for your comments everyone!

Pearl said...

I haven't written any blow job stories yet, but when I do, I want it to be as funny as this one.

Pearl

Veruca Salt said...

I tried the blow job/gum chew combination once - it got stuck in his pube jungle. Fortunately, I didn't have to ever see him again (I was 16 with no morals), so I left it. Yikes.

Clare and Gary said...

Oh you have so made my evening...Luuuuurved this post... laughing out loud..brilliant!

Crystal@pshhaww.net said...

HAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! That is way too funny!!!
I too used to have a OBSESSION with chewing gum, but one day for whatever reason it pulled one of my fillings out and the crunch crunch of the filling in my gum grossed me out so bad i haven't really chewed gum since....

Living Shallow, Living Well said...

I can't chew gum for more then five minutes without my jaw locking up like it's frozen. This is also why I give horrible BJs.

Brans~Muffin said...

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!! Im screaming Laughing!

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Ms. Naked! Well damn, words fail me. Nicely told, rude as hell, and I laughed a lot. And you thought there was no happy ending. Indigo =)

SoccerMom said...

Wow, that was quit a tale. While I am no gum chewer myself. I do know from experience that the penis is a delicate thing.

One should never shave their legs and swing razors around while a penis is in the shower with them. It can only result in injury.

Great post, loved it!

Ash said...

Three perfect genres in this story;
Comedy, Horror and Autobiographical...the perfect mix.
Well done! I'm still laughing as I write this...Thank god I don't like peanut butter! ;) xx

Lori said...

Your illustrations totally cracked me up! I love your mutant gum on mutant blue lingam.... ;-) (Could have been fun to try illustrating "ultimate sword swallowing"...! ha ha... I've actually been waiting years for a blowjob Yahoo icon...)
Am wondering if your post will start a contest about blowjob incidents.... Maybe I will start a blog spinoff of your blog! :-p
I didn't know you were a fan of endless gum. In fact, I was there the night that photo was taken, and I never saw you with a green mouth before! You really must be an expert at gum-fu....
Love and see you soon,
Lori

~Onreeone~ said...

Good thing I hate gum, it's just one of my many pet peeves, but freaking hilarious all the same

The Naked Writer said...

@ Pearl ; thanks for the compliment hope you with share it with me when you do
@varuca; lmfao i love that you didn't care enough to help the guy out...'you just left it' like a dumpster baby mom! did you tell him or just like 'ya, later'
@clare good ol before bed reading huh? 'o)
@crystal i did that too but because i was die hard, i got over it...i don't think you had a real commitment to gum ;o)
@living shallow....um are you outting yourself here on this commentary? how bad can they really be?
@Brans; i would love to hear that, send me a mixed tape with nothing but you screaming laughing!
@Indigo; ya,you're right, everything does happen for a reason! i am sure mr. x will be pleased to know his pain brought so many pleasure...way to take one for the team!
@soccer mom...ummmm if you have a in the shower razor weilding story about penis please share it, the suspense is killing me!
@ash thanks but you forgot the other genre...the blow job genre yes it's real, i googled it ;o)
@Lori lol you are the first to mention the blue penis...i thought more people would break my balls about it and i had all these zingers to come back with but alas, no one broke my balls ;o(
I totally wanted to illustrate the sword swallowing championship but after 15 hours of animating this post i just said fuck it i am done...post it now or never...cause i could of easily spent another 15 hours on it ..i also wanted to illustrate the slimy alien gum...maybe another post
yes, I am a GUM FU MASTER!
@onree your pet peeve is GUM???? that's a first lol me thinks the question why is in order!!!

Sara said...

You should have just pretended it was a kinky new thing you saw on a porno. Guys fall for that shit all the time.

Matthew said...

Oooohkay. This was a good post to make my first visit.

I mean - it can't be any more surreal than this from here on, right?

Right?

Signing up to find out - assuming of course work firewalls allow. If you don't see me in your followers, that's why - hold that thought and I'll pop by from home. :)

Organic Meatbag said...

Hahahahaha! Well, good blow job stories are always entertaining, but this blows them all away (no pun intended, I swear!)... such an incident has never happened to me, but if it did, I think I would have actually been flattered...I mean, the erect penis is kind of like a coat rack in pants, you know? It should be used for more than just pleasure...hang a hat on it, stick gum on it, dress it up like a finger puppet....put one of those chinese finger traps on it... you know, pleasurable AND fun for the ladies!
I think Mr. X should have just chilled and let your mouth AND the gum take it's course...the journey is worth it...hahah

Eolist Petite said...

ROFL!
served him right though did it not?

~Onreeone~ said...

ONE of my pet peeves is gum, believe me I have many and feel a blog coming on....I can't stand it. Most people don't know how to chew the shit (quietly) without irritating the living hell out of me. ie, putting it between their back teeth and pop pop pop...can they not hear themselves? The other all the while sitting behind me chomp chomp chomp, like a freaking cow chewing on it's cud. I just can't stand to even watch people chew the stuff. THe facial expressions and the way the mouth moves---oh just thinkin about it is like driving nails down a chalkboard. I, myself on the occasion of needing to freshen the breath a bit...like when a copper pulls me over and I've had a few ...will pop a piece in my mouth cause a friend always carries it and chomp chomp chomp away only to hope I can annoy him enough with my grotesque noises that he just lets me go. This is the kicker though--I effing annoy myself when trying to chew a piece. Now how the hell is it that I can get on my own effing nerves? But It happens~ your blog made me laugh like a little school girl, but needless to say, I don't see me being in that kindof situation. and oh btw- your artwork is awesome!

The Naked Writer said...

@ Sara i tried to pretend that but he didn't buy it...and i was too nervous about the ramifications to put on my poker face!
@Matthew thanks for signing up...i can't make any promises, i have a monkey mind that likes to stroke itself with creativity and surreal stuff....guess you will have to take a gamble on it
@organic meatbag i have to use your full name cause it's too funny! lmfao at 'stick gum on it' have you ever seen those penis puppetry guys? they think the same way you do...a versatile penis is a happy penis
@Eolist...ya it did serve him right..we aren't together anymore and i get to regurgitate a funny story..ha ha i win!
@onreeone...BEST RANT EVER! This is a rant i have read 3 times now...highly entertaining! LMFAO that you annoy yourself when you chew gum. i was out for pizza with a friend today and i was chewing rather obnoxiously for some reason (which i never do) and this rant came into my mind and i laughed on the inside ...i have never heard of someone hating gum so much and i love it that you do! thanks for the complement about the artwork, its a fun medium to work with!
the end.

Amusing Bunni said...

Patricia, that story is so hilarious.
I hope you didn't have to break up with him after that.
Do you make your own illustrations? They are too cute! Thanks for writing me on the boards.
I will be following your blog now, and I hope you return the favor! Take Care, and don't choak on any gum ;-)

The Naked Writer said...

@Amusing...thanks for the compliment...no we had another two years in us before we called it quits (we had problems bigger my addiction to gum chewing)
Yes, i do make all of my own illustrations...it's a lot of fun and very rewarding figuring out how to make shit look how it looks in my head! I love your site and am looking forward to seeing some more stuff from you!

AKAmamma said...

This one was funny dear! Love Aunt Cindy. I'll be seein' your ma tomorrow. Can't wait to tell her. Cin

Miguel said...

You're awesome!

Sandra said...

Your mad gum wielding skills! Why are you not writing a novel! Sophie Kinsella, Jen Lancaster (my faves!) have nothing NOTHING on you!
This is the funniest post I've ever read. It was graphic (which I love) and it was so visual (I could picture it...yes, I'm a voyeur) And your pictures are worth a thousand words. Fortunately for you, your words and your pictures tell it like it is. You are the TOTAL package!

Anonymous said...

I love it.. I'm sorry but this is fucking hilarious!! : )

Opto-Mom said...

The only way this situation could have been worse is if you didn't notice the gum was gone, and then you went for a gummy penis ride and y'all got stuck together like two screwing dogs and had to call 911.

Also, I would like an award for the longest fucking sentence ever typed.

Come check out my blog, because I think we're going to get along really well. (BLOG WHORE ALERT! WOOOO WOOOOO WOOOO!)

Oh, and my captcha verification was pictits. WTF?

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