Thursday, June 03, 2010

Dear Duane...Dude, Where’s My Day Gone? A Tale Of Murder, Heroism, Scaredy Cat-ism and Procrastination!

Dude, it’s getting worse!

Last night, I procrastinated going to bed till early in the morning, while staring at the wall and or ceiling in a Zombified fashion.  I then procrastinated getting out of bed till late in the afternoon.

Upon waking from my slumber of procrastination, I looked into my fridge for about 15 minutes to try to figure out how to make something edible out of a three day old boiled egg, 4 day old expired skim milk, a full bottle of French’s mustard, a wilty carrot and an empty Hershey’s chocolate milk bottle.

Nothing came to mind, so I closed the door to the fridge and looked behind me at the stack of dishes that I successfully procrastinated doing last night.

I looked at those dishes for a good 20 minutes trying to come up with ways to make them clean with ‘The Force of my awesome stare’  but no amount of will power or ‘crazy eyes’ would make them clean themselves.

(*Doing the high falsetto, Jerry Seinfeld Voice) and what’s the deal with my crazy eyes not working? I mean, they are crazy enough to make people move out of my way in a hurry when I look at them, but not the dishes? WHOOOO AAARE THEEESE DISHES? (end of JSV)

I decided to take another crack at the fridge, for I was certain, by some miracle, now that 20 minutes had passed, there would be more food in it than the last time I looked.

I surveyed the items again with more intensity, for maybe I somehow overlooked something, maybe I wasn’t really paying that much attention last time, after all, I had just woken up at the crack of 2 pm, I may have been still sleepy or maybe a huge eye booger was preventing me from seeing half of the fridge or something!

This time, I also opened the freezer just in case something yummy decided to sneak in there and hide but nope, not even a hint of freezer frost was left cause of my sudden burst of inspiration I had two nights ago (that had nothing to do with drinking two Red Bulls) where I finally made a decision to rid the freezer of frost chunks that were so big, they would make the ice bergs from Titanic jealous.

Dude, check out these Epic freezer frost chunks! That’s like 4 months of neglect right there! HA HA. Isn't it cool how it came off in one big chunk like that?? That's cause I used a freaking knife and a hammer but I forgot to unplug the fridge and got a fucking shock of a life time that hurt so bad I started to cry...but it was worth it, for my art you see! Lmfao note to self; always unplug stuff that needs electricity when jabbing them with metal objects!

I know you wish you thought to take pictures of your 4 month old freezer frost, but I beat you to it Muthafhuka!

Yes, I am aware that I am now making you look at pictures of my freezer frost *shrugs* I have nothing more exciting going on in my pathetic little thing I call a life, so take it up the ass with no lube and like it why don't you!

Now, back to my very very interesting story, that has you on the edge of your freaking seat....

So, I stared for a while more at the fridge, maybe a half hour I don’t know, I lost track of time… my eyes darting back and forth from fridge to sink, to the three bags of garbage that were just sitting there in such a lazy fashion…I mean, come on, it’s been a week already haven’t they grown legs and walked themselves to the garbage bin yet? That happens from time to time, doesn't it?

At this point, instead of feeling lazy and unaccomplished, I felt like I did a tremendous amount of work already, it was like I practically worked out for a whole hour already, with all that standing around and hunching to peer into the fridge...not to mention all those eye calisthenics, I was sure I burned at least 3000 calories!

I thought of a way to make all this stuff I didn't want to do disappear for a while, but that required me putting clothes on and actually leaving the house. So I went into my room and sat on the bed for a half hour thinking about what I should wear (not that it matters) but I got distracted by a huge jungle Mosquito that I somehow was able to grab from the air and Mame just enough to take these sadistic pics. After what happened on the day I wrote my Haiku Rants, I felt no mercy at all!

Click pictures for a more gruesome close up!
Ha Ha, how does it feel bitch? I tore off one of it's legs, it was still sort of alive, and I made it look at it ( I don't know if they can see or not but I like to think that will teach them all) Look at that huge thing that sucks out my blood! Seriously,
I get really dizzy from all the blood loss! They can take a pint out each time!

So after the big Mosquito photo op, I started to put those math skills they taught us in high school to good use, by figuring out the order of operations…ok, so underwear and bra are first then all other clothing go on afterwards got it …the order of operations are important (unless your Madonna circa 1991)

So,  while I stared at a wall in a zombie like trance, I thought to myself and the voices in my head, Why do we need clothes anyways, ugh this is such a rash! First,  we have to reach all the way up there to the hanger and get the pants off of it and then put said empty hanger back on the hanger thingy and then find the right underwear and OMG there’s a Praying Mantis on the fucking wall!!! It’s going to eat my brains out…I had better take a picture so the cops will know who the real killer is…evidence is good!

 Ha, he knew he was an accomplice in the killing of that Mosquito and
here he was saying NO pictures please!

So, I don’t know what it is about Praying Mantis’s but they aren’t friendly or Buddha like, they just freak me out, I mean look at this thing, it knows that I was there, it has brains I tell you and they are probably bigger than mine... it totally decided to pose for this impromptu shoot!

 It certainly has no manners as it  totally was not invited in my house and it just made itself comfy on my bamboo walls and then decided to ‘pray’ all over my brand new fan!

 Oh yeah, then he decided to make my brand new fan his monkey bars and play ground for a while, it looked like fun and if I were him I totally would of done it too, I had to save his life by turning the fan off though!!

I finally gathered enough courage to capture him and set him free, I just can’t kill something that prays that much you know? Plus I had already done my quota of killing for the day!

Then, my bladder finally decided that enough is enough, I couldn’t procrastinate my morning pee any longer…I figured since I already had to get up to go pee, I might as well dress myself after I was done. Two birds with one stone kind of thinking! * wink wink*

After staring in the mirror for about a half an hour looking at grey hairs and imaginary wrinkles and pudgy parts that I never usually pay attention to cause I don’t dare look in the mirror when the sun is beaming in …as the reality of seeing my body in harsh day light, might just turn me to dust like the vampires in all those movies, I finally put some clothes on and rode my motorbike to a local restaurant.

But on the way to the restaurant, I came across an angry freaking bull in the jungle. Seriously, this thing was like stomping and swishing it’s tail and totally started chasing me down, HE WAS SO ANGRY!  I think he had Mad Bull's Disease!

I was freaking out cause you can only ride a motorbike so fast through the sandy, dead palm tree ridden path of the jungles!!!!  Maybe the red halter top I was wearing pissed him off? I screamed and tried to carefully high tail it out of there while snapping more photos for the cops for evidence of my potential murderer!

He may look cute but I assure you this Bull was PISSED OFF!
Maybe that Mosquito was his friend?

Peww, I finally made it to the restaurant and had my first meal of the day at 5pm.  Somehow, the food made itself and when I was finished eating it, the dishes disappeared…I knew my crazy eyes would work someday…now when will they start working at home?

When I finally got home, I dare not enter the kitchen for the force field is strong in there (so is the garbage smell) and I could easily lose another hour or two pondering how to get things done that I didn’t want to do.

So, I thought about writing a post to you seeing as I have procrastinated that for three days now even though I have thought about it constantly for the whole time.  I opened up my blog and was fully ready but then I saw that one of my favourite Bloggy friends wrote a post and I had to read it and then think about commenting but not bother and then read 25 more of my favourite blogs and think about how I should comment on them too…but thought, nah, I will comment tomorrow, cause I am not in the mood to be social today and I have nothing interesting to say anyways, plus, writing comments = work and we all know what I like to do when work appears!!!

I thought about writing a chapter in the novel I am writing but when I sat down to do that, this blog entry you are reading right now decided it needed to be written. I have a sneaking suspicion the only reason I even started a blog was so that I would have a valid excuse at procrastinating writing my novel! HA, Damn I am good at fooling myself!

Now, it’s 3am and I am again procrastinating sleep (even though I actually have to be up early in the morning cause Trisha has a jobby to do tomorrow…daddy would you like some s-a-u-s-a-g-e-s??? Clipity clop, look at my hoooves, my hooves) so that I can procrastinate waking up…and the cycle of procrastination will start all over again…gosh, who would of thought that procrastinating would be such a hard job?

So dude, if you think that I have an easy life on this little slab of paradise, I say think again also I say Neigh cause I’m a little ponny, clipity clop… clipity clop…I’m such a pretty poonnny clipity clop all day!!!
My day is full of hard work, maybe not physical but mentally challenging for sure!

TO BE CONTINUED.... cause I gotta lay in bed and pretend to fall asleep now!
Miss you lots
Ciao for now cow cow
Love, Trishititis Megablockasauras!

FYI: Dear Duane is a diary I am writing for my best friend of more than 15 years…we have been estranged for 2 years and I miss him and want to talk to him so I can be 'normal' me (think foul mouthed 4 year old with Turrets, all tweaked out on Crack, Red Bull and Smarties stuck indoors at Recess for misbehaving).

So I write this diary to him to scratch the itch, NO! not the itch caused by Crabs or The gum disease known as Gingivitis!! The itch of missing talking like I do only when I am around him. (ME english good, me make weirdly constructed sentence whhoo whhoo aahhhha ahhhh)(That's my angry monkey sounds)

Maybe our paths will cross again some day…but until then, I need to be the retarded side of Trish, I cannot suppress her any longer! I have been saving this 'A' game material especially for Duane. It's time to share it, hopefully he finds it one day cause my cheesy jokes will make him laugh till he poops a little or a lot.

For more information and older posts, go here to the Dear Duane page

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~


YogaSavy said...

You had one weird day/evening! Defrosting to preying mantis and more. Never a dull moment !

Simon said...

This made me smile.

One Blonde Girl said...

Huh. Sounds a lot like my day. Aside from the bugs and crazy bull. Although, one could argue that my involved a lot of crazy bullshit. Awe... life.

(Beer and cold medicine are currently getting me through my day.)

Brooklyn Book Lover said...

They say praying mantis' bring you luck. You did manage to escape from the bull! That's lucky! :-)

Jules said...

1. You said chocolate syrup, right? I'm not sure why you were worried about eating then. You HAD chocolate syrup.

2. Fry the preying mantis and cover him with chocolate syrup.

Enough said.

Scott Free said...

Wow! Such a sadistic attitude towards a helpless creature, Miz Naked! Scary! I never knew that side of you.
But I think that if you are part vampire, you could be related to that both suck blood, you know...


Midwestern Mama Holly said...

that praying mantis thing was in YOUR HOUSE?? I would have had to burn the house down. I haaattteee bugs. I dont know if that thing is a bug, but it got a creepy little face and it is going on my list of things that make my asshole pucker.
I bet Ima have dreams about that thing tonight. *ACK*

Chara Lynn said...

Ok, first off... are the mosquitoes there really that friggin big? HOLY HELL!
Next, I second the whole, praying mantis thing! The are freaking creepy lil bastards. You are better than me, because there is no way I would have put my paws on that thing to move it outside.
Next, mad bull, holy shit! I would never go to the store if I knew I had a mad bull waiting to run me down.
Seriously, I may be a cop, bad guys shooting at me, dead bodies, whatever none of that makes me twinge. However, praying mantis, mad bulls, and mosquitoes big enough to remove an internal organ... you can have it sister. Next you will be posting about giant spiders sitting down beside her... and well I say I would shoot my computer monitor at that juncture.
But thank you again for a great post! I can ALWAYS count on you!

Sara said...

I really thought that at the end, you were going to say you made it all up and found those pictures on google.

Your life is incredibly exciting.

~Onreeone~ said...

Well Trish, I'm always procrastinating something or other because frankly, I don't want to do it! I honestly don't like to take out trash, do dishes or even cook myself something to eat at times. I would go hungry some days if it wasn't for the fact that I have to feed people and do their damn dishes oh and their laundry. On top of all that, I gotta be an (active) parent and try to have civil conversations with a couple teenagers that Know it ALL!---on the opposite end of the spectrum your life sounds pretty amazing, but mine keeps me as sane as I can be since I also have OCD and can't stand for things to be out of place. I'm just a hot mess really! But the light at the end of the tunner just keeps getting brighter baby~ really enjoyed this blog...I think you should write childrens books, you'd be a natural. Thanks for the laugh!

Writing Womb said...

@ Yoga Savy; I guess it does seem weird to others, but to me, it's pretty much a normal day...except I actually made an effort this time to capture it so I can share my mundane days with you guys!

@Simon Happy to make you smile, always a pleasure!

@One BLonde lol, bullshit counts! I usually procrastinate capturing my procrastination, but yesterday must of been some special kind of day huh? Beer AND cold medicine!!! wow, you are treating yourself tonight my dear! Party over at your house! lol

@Brooklyn; I didn't know that praying Mantis' bring good's a good thing I didn't kill it then huh? I knew there was a reason I had to save its life. Thanks for the info.

@Jules, ahhh darn it, I wish I had of thought of that...but I am a vegetarian so I probably wouldn't do that...also, there is no chocolate left in that plastic container, i think i just keeep it there to remind myself that once upon a time ago, I did have some chocolate that I ate and loved

@Scott Free, you know, for a long time, I practiced Ahimsa which means Non-harming or injuring any sentient being...but I do have a twisted sadistic side that makes me want to kill small things, like tiny ants that are always trying to get in my food and blood sucking mosquitos cause they annoy me so much...I was on the path to becoming a Buddhist until i realised that killing these things is just a part of who I am!

More to follow stupid comments can't be more than 4096 characters long...who came up with that amount? Is it random or the inventors favourite number...GOD!!!

Writing Womb said...

Continued from the last comment I left ...I think it's funny that even my comments page is telling me I am long winded ha ha!

@Midwestern...LFMAO! Now there's a list to write, top ten things that pucker my asshole! About 3 years ago, I would have burned my house down for having such a creature in my house...but living in the jungle has taught me to live with and share my residency with lots of creepy critters...snakes, huge freaking hairy spiders, great big bugs that leave a welt when they hit you ( i will post pics later), cockroaches, great big lizards and geckos and tonnes of ants and crazy flying worm things...I used to freak out but now, I am resigned to the fact that this is what I have to put up with to live in such beauty! The gigantic cockroaches still freak me right out!

@Chara, yep, I didn't alter that pic at all...that was a real freaking feel it when their sucker thingy goes in you! While I have no problem killing really small insects, for some reason, the bigger they get the more of an issue I have, it's like I feel that they have a soul if they are bigger than my thumb nail (it was a close call with that mosquito cause he/she was almost as big as my thumb nail)
The story isn't finished yet, there are a few more oddities that happened with various creatures yesterday, it was like i was the insect whisperer or something...fucking freaky day for sure...thanks for reading!

@Sara...LMFAO my life is exciting? which part? the staring at the bamboo wall, the staring at the fridge or the staring at the garbage and hoping for it to grow legs? lol I guess it's all 'normal' for me now..i have been living here for a year so this shit is ordinary and now I long to just hang out in an office or go to a chic club cause there isn't anything like that here and now that seems exotic to, I think you have an exciting life, office queen!

@Onreeone I hear ya sista! I am so happy I don't have a family or boyfriend or anyone to take care of because my procrastination can be quite epic at times. I too, would rather not eat than to HAVE to make something! LMFAO a children's writer huh? ya, I could see that working out well...I would probably become famous for it too..cause I don't like kids much and then all the snot nosed brats would hover around me barfing on me and making all kinds of noises...oh god that would be a nightmare! lol i can see it now
F is for Fuck and Fudge Packer, C is for Cunt and Cocaine, M is for Misery
Yep, sure to be a best seller, an instant hit for kids 5-10! Famous land here I come!
Glad it made you laugh and you enjoyed the post!

PART 2 Is coming up soon enough!
Thanks for reading everyone, your comments always make me smile and talk out loud to my computer screen...epecially when you tell me what puckers your asshole OMG that was priceless!
Trish ...aka The Naked Writer

~Onreeone~ said...

Well Trish-I was thinking more along the lines of your cartoon art and your imagination. You would be famous for sure and then you could credit me for planting that one. Then again I have a crude and inappropriate sense of humor. The mosquito, praying mantis and bull captions are still cracking me up! Keep um coming~


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