Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Dear Duane…Rob Pattinson From Twilight Has Down Syndrome...For Serious!!!

Dude, whenever I see pictures of that Ass Clown, Rob Pattinson (you know that whiny, Vampire Douche they call Edward, from that brutal fucking vampire movie that everyone has been hypnotized to love?)
I think…
“Oh my God, since when is Down Syndrome considered hot?”

Seriously, this man looks like he has all the major kinds of Down Syndrome and he looks suspiciously like that Himalayan cat (Gizmo) that I used to own. Remember how she had no voice box and sounded like she was throwing up a fur ball whenever she tried to ‘speak’? This is exactly what Rob Pattinson sounds like when he sings… only my cat would enunciate her ‘words’ better.

And what's the deal with this guy? He isn't Rob Pattison, but he could of been, if only his Mommy worked for a Modelling Agency! Who are these people? (end of JSV)

Everywhere I go, I feel like I am being brain washed into believing that this ‘Corky from Life Goes On’ look a like is HOT and Sexy! ARRRR! (Wrong answer!)
This is insane and needs to stop immediately!!

Corky from Life Goes On

UGHH! Seriously, Rob could be Arnie from Gilbert Grape, all growed up...

This here is Leo DiCaprio as Arnie in What's Eating Gilbert Grape

And this here is Rob Pattinson, the resemblance is uncanny!
I can hear him now "Heeeyy Gilbert, I made Vampire Doo Doo Gilbert...AAH AAHHAHAH!"

If Mattel ever wanted to make an Edward doll, all they would have to do is, take a Troll doll, give it some Heroin so it’s all emaciated and shit, add an extra chromosome or two and voila, perfect replica, every time!

If South Park decided to dedicate an episode to him, they wouldn’t have to do much, put him in a wheel chair and he could easily play Timmy, just with darker hair.  Look closely at the second installment of that Twilight movie and you will see when Edward and the wolf guy fight, they look just like Timmy and Jimmy in a cripple fight, only a little more bad ass! (but not by much)

 CRIPPLE FIGHT! South Park's Timmy and Jimmy or is it Twilight's Edward and Jacob??

Only if your Mommy works at a prominent modelling agency can you have this level of retardation and get to be a Calvin Klein Model!!

Really? Really Calvin Klein??? For Serious? UGHHH!

I read an interview he had with Ellen DeGeneres and it said something like he used to be a model but then once he became a certain age he couldn’t model anymore cause he just got “too manly looking”

Ummm…too manly??? No, there must be some mistake there...who the fuck said you are too ‘manly’ looking Mr. Pattinson? I think you were jumping to your own conclusion there, unless by manly, you mean Rocky Dennis’ face from ‘Mask’ meets ‘Sloth’ that freak from 'The Goonies' movie… then sure, that’s manly…in a completely Bizarro kind of way.

Sloth from 'The Goonies'


Rocky Dennis from The 'Mask'


Rob Pattinson from 'The Twilight'???

There is nothing manly about this guy…he has no chest hair, and every time he has to kiss a girl he cries like some little bitch, apparently that is what it takes to be a man these days;

I know I personally love it when my men openly weep into my mouth when they kiss me…nothing says sexy like french kissing some snot and tears, yum! This shit is giving me a serious case of GTS!!! So don't blame me, it's my Google Tourette's acting up again!

Boy, when did Vampires get all EMO-Y? Whatever happened to bad assed Vampires like Blade, Keifer Sutherland in Lost Boys, and Pee Wee Herman in Buffy?

What the fuck does every pre-pubescent girl and mid life crisis woman see in this Mongoloid? I don't get it, and I will never know!

Robert Pattinson, David Schwimmer, Ryan Reynolds and the lead singer from Cold Play, should all get together and form a club called
'The Secret Down Syndrome's Society' (SDSS for short)!

Remember the Transformers commercials slogan? :
 ‘Transformers…robots in disguise’
Well,  the SDSS slogan could be just like that only:
‘Bad actors…retards in disguise’

I decided to look up Down Syndrome on Wikipedia and here’s what it had to say:  
"The extra chromosome 21 material that causes Down syndrome may be due to a Robertsonian translocation (ROB) in the karyotype of one of the parents. In this case, the long arm of chromosome 21 is attached to another chromosome, often chromosome 14

UMMMM, ROBERTSONIAN, (ROB)…coincidence? I think not! This is all the proof I need! I didn't make that up either....take a look yourself, the link is in the name.


Take a look at the behind the scenes on Twilight, when Edward plays that terrible actress his lullaby song on the piano…you see, Pattinson is actually playing chopsticks, quite badly and drool keeps coming out of his mouth cause they are dangling candy above his head as an incentive to keep up the good work…

then Kristen what’s her face has to move from the couch she is sitting on and sit beside him on the piano bench in order to discretely wipe the retard spit off his chin before each take…and pat him on his head and scratch his belly while giving him lumps of sugar that she keeps in her pocket to keep 'EDWARD HAPPY'
It’s a hilarious behind the scenes look that makes this movie so much funner to watch.

Seriously, watch this movie as it really is…Edward is like Doofy from Scream only he doesn't know it...doesn’t this movie make a hell of a lot more sense now? This is the funniest movie I have seen in a long time because of this knowledge.

Hey I know, I am no prize either and have no right to be making fun of other people, but I have had a vagina for a face all my life too and no one ever made me famous for it...I need to get in contact with his PR people, bet they could convince the world that my vagina face is hot, then I can be on a movie and make millions!

Dude, I miss you like crazy and I really wish we could of laughed at these movies together...it would of been a hooot!
Ciao for now Brown Cow!
Love, Vagina-Face-Trish-inator (coming to a theater near you)

PS: No Robert Pattinson's were harmed during the making of this blog entry! I sent him some candy in the mail, just in case!

PPS: DISCLAIMER: (just in case)  As far as I know, Robert Pattinson is NOT a Troll Doll, and he does NOT have The Down Syndrome.
It is in this Blogger's opinion (that's me) that he looks and acts like he has an extra chromosome or two. This is probably not the case though and since I am not a Doctor, I therefore cannot give you my professional opinion or diagnosis.  This is just my personal opinion and diagnosis, and in no way does this reflect my actual opinion (except that it does, but not in a court of law)!!!

PPPS: Yes, I know this is a mean post but it's also the truth about how I feel...and you know how like if you are black then you are allowed to make fun of other black people and use the 'n' word? Yeah, well, just like Robert Pattinson, I too have a Vagina face which gives me full rights to make fun of other Vagina faces!!!! So it's ok to break his non existent balls...is what I am saying (cause I too don't have any balls...are you seeing the trend yet? we have so much in common, it's like I am making fun of myself see?)  (JSV) STOP YELLING AT ME!

FYI: Dear Duane is a diary I am writing for my best friend of more than 15 years…we have been estranged for 2 years and I miss him and want to talk to him so I can be 'normal' me (think foul mouthed 4 year old with Turrets, all tweaked out on Crack, Red Bull and Smarties stuck indoors at Recess for misbehaving).

So I write this diary to him to scratch the itch, NO! not the itch caused by Crabs or The gum disease known as Gingivitis!! The itch of missing talking like I do only when I am around him. (ME english good, me make weirdly constructed sentence whhoo whhoo aahhhha ahhhh)(That's my angry monkey sounds)

Maybe our paths will cross again some day…but until then, I need to be the retarded side of Trish, I cannot suppress her any longer! I have been saving this 'A' game material especially for Duane. It's time to share it, hopefully he finds it one day cause my cheesy jokes will make him laugh till he poops a little or a lot.

For more information and older posts, go here to the Dear Duane page

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~


One Blonde Girl said...

THANK YOU! I thought I was the only sane person on the planet. I don't understand the Twilight craze and I certainly don't understand the infatuation so many women have with this dude.

Ugh, and now I'm dreading the haircut I'm getting today because last time I got my hair cut, the stylist wouldn't stop talking about Twilight.

YogaSavy said...

Am with you on the twilight thing! Nothing about the roles, characters or plot is interesting.

It's me MARIANA said...

Thank you!
I thought I was the only person in the planet thinking that he might have Down Syndrome... hahahaha!!!
I thougt, this TV is getting TOO INCLUSIVE, but hey, there must be people that connect with him.
I don't feel as bad now.

Hipstercrite said...

but, you're kind of right.
however, i kind of feel like i shouldn't be ok with this post.
i'm so confused!

Miss Nikki said...

Definition of the name Robert is a porn clown. I didn't make it up. check out urban dictionary:
(n) a rare kind of clown porn available only in Gaelic. now illegal in 129 countries (including Russia), it is the most dangerous porn to shoot on account of Interpol constantly cracking down on the underground rings.
"Oh my God, did you hear about that Robert bust the other night?"
"Yeah man, that was some fucked-up shit."

Jess said...

I love this post so much. I'm just gonna wait for the ubiquitous mental Twilight fan to show up and have a rant... it always happens.

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

His teeth and fake fangs always look furry.. like the need a good brushing. And speaking of brushing.. THAT HAIR! Oily and messy.
The boy needs a silkwood scrub top to bottom, inside and out.

Rich said...

As far as the books go, they were tolerable. The movies are borderline ok. My opinion is the the twilight "vampires" would be destroyed if Harmony from Buffy took them on. Not to mention Angelus and Spike. Now that would be awesome, if Spike and Angel showed up in the next movie and killed them all. I would pay money to see that.

Simon said...

Say what you will, but I retain fond memories of the poor fuck from How To Be.

IndigoWrath said...

I don't get excited by guys, but I can't see the fascination of the pale, moody, dark eyed vampire bitches we're subjected to. So whatever-her-name-is has my total understanding if she balls the sweaty, ripped, half naked werewolf guy. I mean, duh.

Chara Lynn said...

OMG, no shit! What is wrong with these people. If this is what makes a manly man...I am gay gay gay! I am not a girly girl by any means, this guy definitely would take the bank on who is more girly, me or him. Sheesh! Glad I am not the only one that thinks this guy and all these insane movies are a PAIN IN THE ASS!
Ok, making my daily rounds. Take care, and well you know...

AmyD said...

I giggled through the entire post! I don't get it either! I want my manly men in tights, like they should be, not all skinny, sparkly and with a touch of the downs.

Natalie said...

So you are saying you've got a major crush on him right ;)

~Onreeone~ said...

I read the series and liked them. Stephanie Mayer is by far no Anne Rice, but for pre teens and teens Now, the movie "Twilight"...I sat thru the whole thing. However when trying to watch "New Moon" I couldn't do it. All whe whining and that horrible music constantly playing in the background made me feel icky inside.
Im' not an Edward fan cause he looks scary I think. But I'll tell ya who I am a fan of...Jacob (Taylor Lautner) Wowzers- is he ever a Hawtie! Got any pics of him in his underware? Oh yeah, and that BElla chick just gets on my last fucking nerve. So not looking forward to "Eclips" coming out.

Writing Womb said...

COOL Beans everyone! Thanks for the support! I must admit, I was super nervous posting this one...I figured The Twilight people would form a lynching club for this one. But, if my buddy Duane and I were to watch this movie together, this is exactly what we would be saying to one another, so, I had to keep it real, after all: this is an open letter to him, for him, from me! ;o)

I will send you all comments back in a bit but for now, I do have one thing I need to get off my chest.
I lost 2 'followers' because of this post and one of them took the time to email me a pretty nasty letter saying that she was disgusted with how 'racist' i was against the retards and people with down syndrome and how dare i and i am going to hell...i really wish she had of just commented here so this could be a lot easier...but, if she was a real fan of mine, she would know through older posts like 'The naked writer 101' that i actually wish that i was retarded andi have made several references to the fact that i envy mentally handicapped people. Yes, I know I used politically incorrect language, but it wasn't meant to be offensive, just telling it like it is, and these posts to Duane, arent' meant to be serious, they are meant to be funny! I never point and laugh at retards (to their face)!
Look, I am good at taking insults and i am good at dishing them out and i am not about to censor myself because i might hurt someone's feelings...i know the Karmic implications involved in a post like this and I am fully ready to take my lumps for it...as for me going to hell...well, honey, as far as I am concerned, I am already there...now let's all laugh about it!
Thanks for unfollowing me! Now I know who my true 'fans' are

One Blonde Girl said...

I'm sorry you lost followers over this, but if they stopped following you over this, they weren't good peeps anyway. I find that some people can be too overly sensitive for their own good. It's like we're not allowed to poke fun or laugh at anything anymore. What the hell people? I just read an article where some parents are trying to eliminate programs at schools that reward good grades and good behavior because it makes the stupid, delinquent kids feel bad. Actually, come to think about it, that might not be such a bad idea. Those nerdy nerds could use to be taken down a peg. Overachievers get everything good in life.

Love your blog. Love you. Keep up the nasty work.

Simon said...

You get this:

Courtney said...

The funny thing about this post is that I think Robert Pattinson is killah hot. But I can totally step out of my body and into your's and kind of see what you're talking about.

Rob has even said himself that from one angle he looks fine, and from the other he looks like an alien. I've often wondered why sometimes he's so hot, it's stupid. Or it's pure brilliant. And then othe times I'm like, HuH? Is this the same fucking guy?

But I think this frequent transition is what makes him so interesting to me! Like, you know how woman stay in really bad relationships because they hold on to the good times? I hang on because when he's good looking - he's sooooo good looking. Enough so, that I can put up with the alien times.

TEAM EDWARD! (except when Jacob has his shirt off!)

Writing Womb said...

@ Oneblondegirl so did she talk your ear off about twillight the whole time? glad to have found someone that isn't under the twilight spell!

@yogasavy yeah it's pretty flat, i made the mistake of reading the book and just couldn't get through it

@itsmemarianna lol glad i am not the only one and could ease your distress

@hipstercrite i had a confusing time writing this too...it seems wrong to say it but it's the truth how does anyone else not notice this?

@miss nikki, lol i was close with ass clown then!

@jess; i thought i would hear from those crazy fans too but only got 2 emails lost 2 fans because of this post which isn't bad considering!

@midwestern ...lol with the fuzzy teeth, hey what's a silk worm scrub? never heard of that one before

@RICH i would totally pay to see that movie and then wesley snipes shows up and saves the day

@Simon,haven't seen how to be yet...have been avoiding it

@indigo...yeah that would of been a better movie at least she would sleep with the 'hot' one...warewolf dude is totally banging

@chara lol me too...i don't think he's very manly either and i would totally go to the gay side than have to do him...he's too girly for me

Writing Womb said...

@AMY lol yeah i don't like sparkles on my guys either, but tights are ok, as long he's batman or superman

@natalie; shhhh don't tell anyone...i am like a little girl throwing rocks at her 'crush'

@onreeone i am going to go and look for pics of jacob in his underware, that guy is really HOT! even though i wonder if it's wrong to think such a young guys is so hot

@oneblondegirl lol it's all good that i lost a few cause they weren't true fans anyway plus i gained a few fans because of this post so it all evens out! it's true you really can't say anything anymore without offending someone so i just figure i might as well keep it real and say what i really feel!

@simon thanks for the awesome award!

@courtenay well at least he knows...it's true i have seen a couple of photos where the guy doesn't look so bad! lol go team Jacob especially when he has his shirt off and he's all ripped yummy!

Thanks everyone for the comments and not for not hating me for writing about my point of view!
Keeping it real

Simon said...

About How To Be...it's actually very good, and he's good in it. This is before the whole Twilight thing, so I saw it unbiased, but I really liked it. He's more believable as this shy loser dude than whatever the fuck Edward Cullen is.

Brans~Muffin said...

Amen to all of it!

Cashier said...

You lost 2 followers but just gained another! Funny post, I hate that Edward guy. He's all 'i'm in pain, I hate my life' looking. Annoying as hell.

Jenna said...

Hey!! You haven't posted for a while. Are you doing alright? I hope so! I'm happy you had one of the greatest weekend, recently. I noticed on Facebook, and that made me very happy! :)

Christi Johnson said...


I went to see "Eclipse" tonight and I LOVED IT!!! I feel so bad...but the movie was great, despite my growing anger at the fact that Pattinson is soooo unattractive and that his character should "give" Bella to Jake.

He's so selfish and I'm quite angry that he put Bella's life in jeopardy. If Bella was with Jake, she would have a real, beating heart until she died of NATURAL causes and her children would not be half dead. ARRRRGGGHHHH, I am sooo mad at him!!!

Wait...is Edward real? Who am I talking about? Robert Pattinson? Doesn't matter. I don't like either of them.

I like Bella even if she is dumb for choosing a dead guy to love for the rest of her life. Yuck!

Great movie though... ;)

Lucasentric said...

I have never heard of this guy. That said I read your entire post & find him unappealing too. I would only sex him for a handsome sum of money.

Sara said...

I wasn't sure at first, but looking at the pictures you posted?

Dude DEFINITELY has Down's Syndrome.

How did I miss this??

Madison said...

Ok, I do think your post is really offensive. I work with kids with disabilities and actually just worked with a little boy with Down Syndrome yesterday at his school. It would break his mom's heart to read such cruel things - believe me.

But while I hope no parent of a child with Down Syndrome ever reads your post, it is a little funny. I don't know why I think it's funny because it would hurt people unnecessarily. It's way over the top and beyond ridiculous-I feel bad about laughing a little!

I also am one who thinks Robert Pattinson is gorgeous. Yes, I said it! I can actually kind of see what you are talking about, so that's why it's funny. I know what you mean, but, I don't know, I just find him incredibly attractive. After hearing him in interviews, I found him even more attractive.

Sometimes, he can look not attractive and sometimes he can look absolutely stunning. I think you should reconsider your stance. :)

yoyodad said...

I really do think he has some sort of condition. He has a weird body and he can't walk properly. At least he is supporting himself and not living off the able-bodied.


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