Sunday, May 30, 2010

My Rants In Haiku, Because Bitching Is Boring, Unless Done In Poems

16 Comments, Post your COMMENT HERE

Laundry, you suck balls!
Why can't you wash yourself yet?
Call me when you learn

This slow Internet
Makes me scream profanities,
Till I lose my voice

I escaped the wrath
Of Jehovah's Witnesses,
None live in Asia

Thailand, eat my Ass!
Your power goes out daily.
That pisses me off!

The power is out,
My battery will soon die,
What will I do then?

No water, no fan,
No entertainment or Web,
I sit and I wait

It's hot with no fan,
Outside the wind is blowing,
Rest in the Hammock

Cool breeze refreshes,
I don't like writing Haiku
It's too restrictive!

Famished Mosquitoes
Penetrate sensitive flesh
and steal my sweet blood

Fuck you Mosquito!
You raped my skin once again,
Now I will kill you!

Swollen and itchy,
Mosquito bites are burning,
I scratch till I bleed

Hello Mister Sun!
How nice of you to show up,
Just before Sunset!

Ranting in Haiku,
made the power come back on,
My bitching is done!

Score after this game:
The Naked Writer wins 1
Everything else, Nil

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

Saturday, May 29, 2010

The Weekend Funnies Series #3; The Names People Call Me

2 Comments, Post your COMMENT HERE
Holy shit! Is it the weekend already??

I guess that means The Weekend Funnies is here! Time to chill out, give your funny bone a tickle and give your brain the rest it deserves.

This is a weekly adult comic strip I have created for all you weary 9 - 5ers and Weekend Warriors.

If you like this comic, please show your appreciation by clicking the facebook 'like' button at the bottom of this post or 'Digg This' and help lift the spirits of other Weekend Warriors. You will find the 'Digg This' button to the right of this cartoon under the heading 'Do you like this site? Share it with others'

This segment is brought to you by:

The names people call me:

 Click on the pictures to get a larger view

 Ass Clown is now available for your kids parties.
Call 1-900-ASS-CLOWN to book him for all your special occassions.

You may have seen Cock Smoker hanging around on your farm.
After doing the dirty with a bunch of Chickens, he needs a break.

We have all been there, you turn the door knob and slice your hand, that's just Knob Gobblin doing his job.

OK, I will admit it, I am the Original Turd Burgler!
Let's just keep this between you and I though.

I Wanna Be The Weiner Of The Internets
The Writing Womb has been nominated for Best Humor Blog, Freakiest Blogger and Best Entertainment Blog from Blogger's Choice Awards. You can vote for me in all the categories I am nominated for. It would be nice to win one of them so, if you think I am worthy then:

Please vote for me!! I want to be a Weiner!

There, that wasn't too pathetic of me, now was it???  Oh and if I win any of these awards, I am so gonna do my Hot Dog dance, I will film it and post it for you all to see ;o)

Thanks for your support!

Also, a big shout out to the anonymous person who nominated my blog for the 2010 Canadian Weblog Awards...that was a nice surprise! Thank you anonymous awesome person...that really made my day today!


I am not bragging or anything, (ok, I kind of am) but I am getting a lot of awards lately so, if for some reason, I have forgotten to post one that you have given me, let me know I have the occassional brain fart from time to time. Plus I sleep with all my Jpeg awards so maybe one got lost under the bed or something. Thank you to all the people who have given me awards, these things make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

My cyber soul mate, Lizanne,  from Mialeentje gave me this most awesome award and had this to say:
"Sweetie, your blog makes me lose all my bodily fluids"
Check out this wonderful Mammapreneur's site:

Beautiful blogger award from Jenna at Sweetest Surprise who said this:  "Because of the people I've had in my life, as well as the things I've learned and gone through, I tend to enjoy reading things that are unique, out of the ordinary, etc. I like stuff that makes me think outside of the box. That's one reason why I like The Writing Womb."

Midwestern Mamah gave me the Versitile blogging award …is that cause I can’t spell versitile?

To check out previous Weekend Funnies Posts, CLICK HERE

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

Thursday, May 27, 2010

The Naked Writer 101

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Above, is a picture of me, The Naked Writer. See, I am not just a cartoon character!

My new stalker friend J-face over at The Yellow Factor had made a list a while back, of 100 things to know about him on his site. His honesty was inspiring and it made me wonder if I had a list inside of me too that I could share. Turns out, I totally did...if you want to know anything else, just ask!
Oh, and please don't steal my blog entries and pictures without proper credit and my permission. This stuff I write and draw is all copywritten...thank you, I appreciate it!

The Naked Writer 101 
  1. Everything I have done or not done in my life, has somehow been for love
  2. I still trick or treat even as an adult…not just for the candy but for the little glimpses into other peoples lives, to see what a normal persons world smells like, looks like, sounds like
  3. I enjoy making people laugh more than anything else in the entire world.
  4. The search for love and authenticity/individuality are the only two things that get me out of bed everyday
  5. I stare at walls for hours when I am procrastinating thinking of all I have to do that I don’t want to do
  6. I once gave a guy a 4 hour blow job
  7. When put on the spot, I have no idea what I do or do not like, I have to take an exaggerated pause to weigh out my options and think about it
  8. Loud unexpected noises annoy me, even if it’s me who’s making them
  9. Movie theatres are icky; a bunch of people crowded in a room breathing each others germs, eating like cows it’s fucking gross
  10. I don’t grow my fingernails because I love to play the guitar which is my drug of choice now
  11. I used to be a stripper or 'exotic dancer' on and off (more off than on) for 7 years
  12. I love dogs so much, but will never own another after having to put my dog down cause of cancer…I now live vicariously through other peoples dogs
  13. Most times I feel like I am an empty egg shell that is already cracked, waiting to fall and shatter into a million pieces
  14. I don’t know what I believe in, it changes daily, sometimes hourly
  15. My sun sign is Leo, My rising is Leo and my moon is Sagitarius I am all fire baby and that causes a lot of problems for me as I can be a highly reactive and explosive individual
  16. I suffer from A.D.W.D. (Adult Don’t Wanna Disorder) it’s epic!
  17. I wear glasses because when I was 11, I thought glasses were cool so  I lied on my eye exam to make it seem like I needed them
  18. Wearing glasses makes me feel safe, like I can hide my emotions from people when I am wearing them. I feel naked without them.
  19. I have perfect teeth but always wanted braces so I used to stretch a paper clip out and put it in my mouth and tell all the kids in school it was a retainer
  20. I quit my job for a year to become a professional poker player. I was a shark and did very well until I started to use drugs to be able to stay up and play longer
  21. I have always believed that there is something really wrong with me and so far, most of my life has been dedicated to finding ‘the cure’
  22. I think ‘What’s the point?’ to almost everything in life it prevents me from trying most days
  23. I want to be ‘Baby’ so ‘Johnny’ will tell everyone that no one puts me in the corner and we will sexy dance and love each other forever and live happily ever after…yes, I am still searching for my fairy tale ending
  24. Being an exotic dancer made me feel empowered most of the time
  25. I once turned down $50,000 to sleep with a man because after much deliberation I came to the conclusion that once a whore, always a whore, I don’t regret that decision!
  26. On my 75th birthday, I will allow myself to try the most addictive drugs that I have always been curious about but afraid to try (like Crack and Heroin)
  27. When I was 7, I thought I was a mermaid for the entire summer. I could hold my breath for more than 4 minutes underwater and swam like I had a tail
  28. I stabbed my brother in the face with a pencil for no reason when I was 9, last time I saw him, he still had the grey dimple in his cheek
  29. I worked hard in my life to get everything that I wanted and then when I had it all, I gave it up cause none of it made me happy, it was then that I finally understood that money really can’t buy happiness
  30. I HATE to disappoint people
  31. I feel pressured to always be engaging and fun when I am around others this makes me want to stay at home a lot
  32. I joined a cult and didn’t know it for a while
  33. I have drank my own pee three times it’s called Urine Therapy and yes it was fucking gross 
  34. No matter how thin I get, it’s never thin enough, so I just stopped trying
  35. In order to get super skinny, I went on a cocaine diet. I did all kinds of research and decided that because it wasn’t a physically addictive drug, I could control it cause of the insane amount of will power I have. I still ended up addicted to that drug for more than a year and it was the most expensive diet I ever went on
  36. I didn’t learn to drive until I was 24
  37. I tend to procrastinate procrastinating!
  38. Listening gives me anxiety sometimes
  39. Mostly I spend my life waiting for the other shoe to drop
  40. I am now afraid to feel too happy because happiness always ends in misery for me
  41. I envy the mentally retarded (no joke) Their ignorance is a freedom I long for in life
  42. My biggest fear is going crazy and losing my grip on reality.
  43. I have a big thing for Dirty dancing’s Johnny also, John Cusack, Jeff Goldblume, Jim Halpert, John Malchovich…actually, maybe I have a thing for men who have names that start with ‘J’? I have a feeling that something cool happened to me the day I watched the episode of Sesame street that was brought to me by the letter 'J'?
  44. I have been proposed to 7 times and have never once said yes because it felt like I would be settling
  45. Sometimes I can be so impatient that I actually feel it as pain in my body, one time, impatience gave me an asthma attack!
  46. I am afraid of failing and I am afraid of succeeding so most times, I don’t even bother
  47. I have a different sound effect for things I do like when I throw something or drop something I make a weird noise with my mouth I only recently discovered this annoying quirk
  48. I always think the grass is greener on the other side yet when I move to the other side, the grass is still all brown and wilty
  49. I wrote my first book when I was 8; Chutney the Squirrel, I designed a cover and bound it and everything!
  50. I hate smoking weed, it makes me paranoid 
  51. I dislike quizzes it’s a stupid waste of time for someone else to box me into who they think I am…yet the curiosity eats away at me
  52. Gossip mags make me sick yet when I go to the check out in a grocery store, there’s nothing to do but read them and then I want to buy them cause who’s ass is that with all the cellulite on it?
  53. If someone is behind me when I am driving, I tend to go way over the speed limit just so they don’t get mad at me or think badly of me
  54. I am super long winded (both in writing and talking with others) , I wish I could edit what I say mostly
  55. When someone is telling me a story and I say ‘oh yeah you told me last week remember?’ and yet they finish the story anyways, I internally get into such an impatient rage that it feels like my eyeballs will pop right out of their sockets and I want to head butt them till they shut up so I don’t have to pretend to be interested in something I just heard…ugh!
  56. I tend to lose track of what I am saying as I am constantly worrying about what the other person is thinking and if I have a booger on my nose or if I have morphed into the alien that I feel that I am. How would I know, would they be too polite to tell me?
  57. I can't stand that I have imperfections and I wonder if I will ever love myself exactly as I am
  58. Seat belts make me angry, they always find a way to move up on me and dig right into my fucking neck.
  59. In the last year, I  have been in 3 motorbike accidents, I used to get tattoos to mark special occasions but now I proudly wear my scars. I am especially proud of my ‘franken knee’ it’s sexy!
  60. The best part about watching a new movie in the theatre…the previews!
  61. I pride myself on never being late! I would rather be 30 minutes early than 1 minute late
  62. If you fart, I will laugh…nothing personal but that’s ‘A’ material
  63. I have a burp that would scare bears away and I can belch on command
  64. The feel of Styrofoam on my teeth or brushing against my nail or skin makes me almost throw up
  65. I love to give presents and surprise people. I put a lot of thought into them, sometimes like a whole year of thought!
  66. I don’t like to use up anything…so I have almost empty jars/bottles of stuff lying around the house
  67. When making a sandwhich, instead of wiping the last remnants of the knife onto the bread, I like to lick the condiment off of it instead
  68. I have monkey toes they are strong and can pick up anything…people who know me, are afraid of my feets
  69. I love being in a long term relationship
  70. When I was in grade 3, I tried to dance in the talent show to ‘I want your sex’ by George Michael I was hurt and confused they said no, cause I was awesome yet I was sent to the principles office for inappropriate behaviour!
  71. I have been making up words since I was little and making people believe they are real …insegrievious was my first one
  72. I don’t like to have sex with someone unless I am in love with them…then I can orgasm from my body, heart and soul…that is the best feeling a person can have
  73. I have a hard time asking for help
  74. I had a $20 a day book buying habit as I read a book a day for well over a year
  75. I used to be an avid list maker and couldn’t be productive without one…come to think of it, now that I don’t make lists, nothing ever gets done
  76. I once got so coked out that I watched Zoolander for two days straight and was still entertained by it every time!
  77. Ecstasy doesn’t make me horny or friendly I just want to dance, close my eyes and pretend that nothing exists except the music
  78. I am a happy, horny, fun drunk
  79. When I found my first grey, I cried like a baby and when I called my best friend, he thought someone had died.  When he finally got the story out of me, he cried with laughter
  80. I actually saved my first grey hair and wrote down the day I found it
  81. Anthony Robbins books are responsible for me changing the direction of my life. His books and tapes helped me quit drugs, gambling and stripping and inspired me to open my own business and be more than I ever was. Tony Robbins is my hero and I thank him for producing such amazing material, I am still pursuing my dreams because of his words.
  82. I like to cry hard once in a while, it makes me feel relieved, it’s like an orgasm for my eyes
  83. I am a night owl there’s something so romantic about being out after 3 am it’s exclusive like the whole world is mine
  84. When I am excited about something, I can inspire you to be passionate about it too because of how much enthusiasm I have I have been told, when I am like that, I am contagious and magnetic and could sell a used car to a used car salesman
  85. When I was stripping, about 50% of my clients just paid me to listen to their hopes, dreams and problems at home
  86. I am an excellent pool player. I actually skipped off an entire semester of school when I was 14 to learn to play pool and gitoni (foozball)
  87. I am good at projecting that I have a lot of self confidence and power,  but mostly I am a jelly donut on the inside; scared and vulnerable
  88. Most of my friends are guys, I just don’t understand women
  89. I am a hopeful romantic
  90. Every night before I go to bed, I pray that I will find my soul mate 
  91. I moved out when I was 14 and lived on my own since I was 16 years old
  92. I have a hard time showing weakness
  93. I have very few regrets in life even though I have done and said some fucked up things
  94. I once loved someone so much that I gave up a big part of my identity and most of the qualities that I loved about myself just to make him happy and try to make it work
  95. I love watching a good on screen kiss it turns me on more than any porno ever could and makes my heart flutter with hope!
  96. I will never cheat on a boyfriend…ever! I am loyal to a fault
  97. I don’t have many secrets…even though I have done a lot of taboo things in my life that pushed the envelope of acceptable by social standards
  98. I didn’t do my taxes for 9 years but when I finally got around to it, I got a shit load of money back
  99. My live in boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me over video games. See, as a dancer, I would only have to work 4 days a month which was more than enough to pay all the bills. For the rest of the month, I had a love affair with Playstation . He said it was him or the video games, I chose the video games…duh! I think he was just super jealous of my amazing hand eye coordination and my mad skills to beat him at every game.
  100. Currently, I live on a small island in Thailand called Koh Phangan. This island is famous for its monthly ‘Full Moon Parties’ where 10,000 + people show up from all over the world to party like a rock star for 3 straight days and nights on the white sandy beach about 10 kms from my house…I have lived here for a year and have never attended one of these parties…weird!
  101. I miss my best friend so much it’s like I have walked around with a pitch fork in my chest for the last two years. At least 10 times a day, I wish he was here with me and I wonder if I will ever see or hear from him again

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~


Sunday, May 23, 2010

#1 Dear Duane… I am Getting Older Can I Put My Mail Order Husband On Layaway?

22 Comments, Post your COMMENT HERE
(Speaking in a high falsetto Jerry Seinfeld voice JSV for short)
What’s the deeeal with getting older? ~end of JSV

I totally hit rock bottom last night as I convinced myself that at 31, I am an old maid who needs to get married pronto!

So I totally went online searching for a Mail Order Husband…and not for a joke or blog material either…I was for real real serious dude.

(Speaking the JSV) And what’s the deeeal with them calling it a ‘Mail Order Husband’ why not use the obvious catchy pun and call it 'MALE Order Husband'????! (~end of JSV )

Fucking douches!

OK, so first off, there’s only like two fucking sites that actually have Mail Order Husbands, and let me tell you, the options on either of them were highly unappealing…like I would rather swim in sewer sludge run off while watching The Flintstones, squeaking some Styrofoam in my teeth and gagging on plain wilty Celery stick strings while listening to cheesy Country Pop Music that’s being microwaved into my brain at super nuke power… I think that we can both agree on the magnitude of how much I would hate all of the above things! So, there's that.

I hop on this one site and take the extensive 18 question survey so they can use an AlGoreRhythm ( I should of known right there cause Al Gore ain't got no rhythm he ain't got no alibi he ugly *clapclap clapclap* he ugly *clapclap clapclap*…that’s my shitty version of a high school cheer now you know why i wasn’t a cheerleader, and NO!! It had nothing to do with my enormous ass…~JSV~STOP YELLING AT ME!!! end of JSV ;o))

Oh, so ya they used the AlGoreRhythm to determine who the best candidate would be for me to marry and you know who I best matched?

This fucking guy:

His name is Hans and he is a ‘German sailor seeking his Mermaid’ and he’s also ‘not shy about his body’  this isn’t a joke see, it’s a snap shot right off the fucking site itself!

Click on pic to see more better details

Now, maybe he's a nice guy but I sure as shit ain't a Mermaid and considering boats make me projectile vomit so hard it's like a "lazer" (Austin Powers style biatch) that is so powerful it can cut through Shark Meat...I don't think we would be such a great match.

After much deliberation and laughing, I decided to look at my other options on and low and behold, I found these keepers which are my top picks:

Andrew is from South Dakota and describes himself as a "23 year old balding man who is in a hurry to find love"
His vampire teeth are what caught my eye cause I want my own Edward Cullen dammit! The fact that his head just refuses to fit in this picture is also a bonus. Sega game character Bonk would be seriously challenged by this noggin.

Buzet is from Romania and is looking for a 'big girl from America who drives a Camarro, has a job and can dress my wounds"
His features are so similar to the count from Sesame Street that I get a little gooey inside. I bet you didn't know this about me, but I always had a thing for 'Count Chocula' orgasm! ha ha ha ha! Two orgasms! Ha ha ha! What can I say, I love me some accountants!

*Editor's note (that's me, I am the Editor)...It has been pointed out to me by 'Woman Confused' that this man actually resembles Pee Wee Herman, not so much The Count from Sesame Street. OK, I tried to sneak one past you, but how can I not love Pee Wee? We are totally soul mates and of course I have been in love with him since I was like 8! Let's run it down: Um he had his own play house with talking everythings, he too likes cartoons, he totally loves having big adventures with his big red bicycle, he was like in Buffy which revolutionized the way I like talked for at least 5 years and he likes to masturbate in public areas just like me (only people don't mind when I do that *shrugs*)!! Wonder twins unite! Form of PeeWee Trish...I LOVE PEEWEE Herman! He's a comic genius with the giant underware on his head routine, connect the dots, la la la (how did he come up with that stuff?) (nuff said). I have even 'friended' him on Twitter a few months ago, I am such a nerd, but he never really has anything interesting to say, but then neither do I...Maybe I should rethink my final decision and pay full price for this gem after all! What do you think dude?

Steven from New Mexico likes to relax with "a couple hits of ether".  He prefers a "woman that has insurance and a car" as he needs to occasionally go to "Mexico to pick up "souvenirs".
With his Charles Mason-ish bad boy, I don't care cause I am too fucking high to give a shit looks, how can a girl like me resist?

Marcus from Southern Idaho says to 'trust him, drinking paint thinner is a bad idea' He also "knows a few magic tricks"

I have always had a thing for Rip Van Winkle ...dirty sexy! Dirty hot!

Bertram is from my neck of the woods; Canada. He claims to be "A trouble maker" a modern day "Clyde seeking his Bonnie to be partners in crime"
He recently "got booted off for cyber stalking" but he is all better now.
I love a persistent man and what takes more persistence than stalking?

The best part is, this particular site has the ‘layaway’ option so for my broke ass, that’s truly a bonus.

Dude, aren’t you impressed with my keen eye for awesomeness? I know, I can hear you now laughing with me and not at me…pathetic attempts at love, that is what the fear of getting older tends to bring! Hey, remember 7 years ago, when we were shopping in that cool store that sells all the awesome Hallowe'en outfits and lava lamps and you said to mark your words that if I was still single in my late 20's or early 30's that I wouldn't be so picky, I would be pathetic and trying to nest down with anything that even looked my way? Cause it's a genetic anomaly that all women have to lower their standards the older they get??? Well, I am 'marking your words' now.

It seems for you men out there, you get your pick of the litter for finding  hot, young,  European or Asian brides, she’s  just a click away for you.
But for us desperate totally fulfilled women here, we get to literally pick THROUGH the litter and hope to find a clump that’s only a fur ball and not a greasy cat turd! Oh the agony! Seriously, and you have to pay for the privilege of boning one of these luscious man bear pigs??? Great Scott! What is this world coming to?

I had to think long and hard (that's what she said) about my decision but based on my monetary difficulties, I decided to go with this 'sale item'.

 Meet Fuad from San Bernardino, USA.  Faud has "been here for about 2 years." Apparently the company has already lowered his price two times. He says he's "a red-hot special, come and get me."
Something about the look in his eye and the price tag that's slashed in half makes me wanna keep him! So back off, he's all mine...the others are for the taking! Plus, it looks like he's saying that he will love me long time ahsooo!

Awesome Blossom Biatch, hope you like your diary entry!
Love Trish Nugget-itis

FYI: Dear Duane is a diary I am writing for my best friend of more than 15 years…we have been estranged for 2 years and I miss him and want to talk to him so I can be 'normal' me (think foul mouthed 4 year old with Turrets, all tweaked out on Crack, Red Bull and Smarties stuck indoors at Recess for misbehaving).

So I write this diary to him to scratch the itch, NO! not the itch caused by Crabs or The gum disease known as Gingevitis!! The itch of missing talking like I do only when I am around him. (ME english good, me make weirdly constructed sentence whhoo whhoo aahhhha ahhhh)(That's my angry monkey sounds)

Maybe our paths will cross again some day…but until then, I need to be the retarded side of Trish, I cannot suppress her any longer! I have been saving this  'A' game material especially for Duane. It's time to share it, hopefully he finds it one day cause my cheesy jokes will make him laugh till he poops a little or a lot.
For more information go here to Dear Duane page

Enjoy the read everyone!

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

Friday, May 21, 2010

The Weekend Funnies Series #2 My Obnoxious Grey Hair

14 Comments, Post your COMMENT HERE
The Weekend Funnies is here! Time to chill out, give your funny bone a tickle and give your brain the rest it deserves.

This is a weekly adult comic strip I have created for all you weary 9 - 5ers and Weekend Warriors.

If you like this comic, please show your appreciation by clicking the facebook 'like' button at the bottom of this post or 'Digg This' and help lift the spirits of other Weekend Warriors. You will find the 'Digg This' button to the right of this cartoon under the heading 'Do you like this site? Share it with others'

This segment is brought to you by:

My Obnoxious Grey Hair

Click on the pictures to see larger view



To check out the first issue of The Weekend Funnies, My Angry Teeth,  click here

This round:

Teasey Tweezy: 1
Obnoxious Grey Hair: 0

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

How Chuck's Chocolate Ovaltine And Your Blogs Saved My Life; An Open Letter

12 Comments, Post your COMMENT HERE
When I was a little  girl, I used to own a Hamster. Eventually, it got cancer and ate a hole right through its stomach even though it was still alive. I remember how confused I was watching him eat himself alive, how upset I was over the apparent stupidity of my beloved pet. I tried to believe my Hamster was a bad ass like Chuck Norris who would die before anything defeated him, but last night, I finally understood why that  Hamster decided to cannibalize himself.

I too have a tumour, you see,  it’s called 'Life', and it lies within my belly.  I am stuck gnawing through my tender flesh to dig out the source of the pain, to hopefully find some relief… only to create a mortal wound in the process.

Last night I was trying to write a post to thank you guys for reading and supporting me as today is my one month of blogging anniversary and I probably wouldn’t have continued if it wasn’t for your encouraging words and wonderful blogs.

As you know, E.M.O. has been stalking me pretty hard this last week and it rendered me incapable of being funny or witty which further depressed me until I spiraled into a loathsome sea of self pity and doubt.

This is my open letter to myself (and you) of the events that unfolded last night:

 ~start of open letter~

My soul needs CPR,  I collapse into myself like a dying star. I need some aspiration, I need to find meaning and I need to find it quick. There isn’t  a reason to carry on.

A profound realization of pointlessness.

The extreme futility of life and the nothingness to the somethingness that is everything.
Does anything matter? What's the point?

Oh, there's so much to be, to much to learn and teach and see, yet I want no part of it.

And if I want no part of life, then I am just a lump of flesh sitting around blogging, waiting for the end.

I guess you could say it's a 'glass is half empty' kind of day.

If only there was a pill that could cure ME from ME, some sort of prophylactic that could allow ME to endure ME till it's my time to go.

I feel stuck in the cold flat tundra of reality, without any shelter, naked against the bitter winds that chaff my body and burn my soul.

Gone are the simple days of shopping therapy to distract me from my sadness.

Gone are the simple days of going out to the bar on ladies night, getting two free drinks and head banging till I get whip lash.

Gone are the simple days of losing myself in another.

My muscles absorb the cold hard tile of the bathroom floor.

I lay on my belly, my head turned to stare with unseeing, unblinking eyes, as gigantic tears form pools below my cheek.

I cannot find refuge in the truth tonight.  I cannot be grateful for all that I have.  I cannot feel anything other than dismembered torture at the pointlessness of it all.

My muscles are tense, why hold on?

I surrender and pray for death, this game of life is painful and boring and I don’t want to play anymore.

But it’s not like when I was a kid playing Monopoly.  I can’t just stop playing cause ‘I don’t wanna anymore’. Life doesn’t just end by saying ‘game over’ (believe me, I have tried).

No matter how hard I prayed to be released from this life, it didn't happen.

No matter how ready I was to let go, no one came to take me away.

‘Um, Death?  A little help here please?
I know it's been a while and I didn’t write or call but really, I need you to hook this girl up. you there? Can you hear me? I surrender! I am all yours!’

To be as still as this tile I try to become, lifeless, cold....I lay and wait.

Nothing, just a beating heart that doesn’t want to quit, even death rejects me tonight.

Abandoned by God, ignored by Death,  Stalked by E.M.O.... what kind of fucking life is this?

Now it's midnight, and all this crying has made my face look like Rocky Balboa's after going 15 rounds with Apollo Creed.

I head into the kitchen to make myself a hot cup of chocolate Ovaltine…it’s either that or a hot cup of freezer slab as I have neglected to go grocery shopping again.

As I am waiting for the kettle to boil it hits me...

‘Don't you realize that you made the choices that have put you in this very spot? Remember how this life is 'your dream life'?

Don't you know that it's your ego and it's constant need for affirmation that is giving you all this trouble? Don't you realize that writing a novel, which may or may not get published, will not bring you the instant gratification that you are addicted to?

Don’t you realize that your procrastinations are only a cruel form of torture you are inflicting upon yourself???

Don't you remember that none of this is real in the grand scheme of things? That you are perpetuating this illusion with your misery and attachments and longing for things that do not matter, for things you cannot change!

If you really don't like the way things are, you aren't trapped!  Get the fuck out of it and reinvent yourself like you did 29 times before ….you invented how to reinvent the wheel so get to it.

You don't need to suck it up and endure this bullshit, you just need to swim through it!

Like Swami says; “on one shore there's the Bliss of Ignorance and on the other shore there's the Bliss of Enlightenment and the part in between is all the shit.”

So Patricia ( I tend to refer to myself in the Third person when I am giving myself a pep talk), now’s the time to get through the shit and pick a fucking shore already! Cause lately all you are doing is swimming in circles of shit, trying to decide which shore you should travel to. Bliss is Bliss, now pick one, and go for it... you don’t want to swim in shit for the rest of your life right?

DO it, fucking swim already! The shore is but 2 feet away just use a little momentum, I know you can! Inertia has taken over and is weighing you down but you can't let it swallow you up!

You want to get wicked good at the guitar? Practice more!

You want to find love? Go out and talk to people! You won't find love hibernating in the jungle.

You want to finish writing your book?  Then start fucking writing! Just one page, right now! What will your protagonist do next? Go!

You want to lose weight, get fit and be healthy? Then exercise every day, eat better stuff than slabs of freezer frost and chocolate Ovaltine they aren’t exactly healthy staples in your diet you know.

You want to feel good? Then start taking pride in yourself and start being loving and helpful to others.  You know this is the only way, so stop procrastinating and do it already!

Just remember, even if it feels like no one else loves you Patricia, I love you......even when it feels like I don't. I must love me because I keep picking myself up off the cold bathroom floor to try again and again! Thank you for continuing to try, there must be hope buried somewhere deep down inside of you! ~end of open letter~

So that’s what I wrote to me and you last night and you know, I didn't die right there on the floor like I wished I would, nope, I crawled from the bathroom to my bed (with a roll of toilet paper in hand)....and then I went online and read some of your blogs and it made me feel a part of something. I don't know how, but it helped a little, just enough to slow the tears down to read what you had to write. Somehow, I got some hope out this hopeless situation by reading all of your thoughts, stories, jokes and secrets.

So I want to thank you, dear reader/blog writer,  for being a big part of my life for the last 30 days. You may not even know how important your blog entries might be to someone else in their time of need/of loneliness... you may have very well saved my life.

Also, thanks to Chuck Norris for contributing 3 drops of his powerful sweat into the ingredients of the hot chocolate Ovaltine (it's the Thailand formula)...those sweat droplets kicked EMO’s ass and allowed for the fog to finally clear from my poor dilapidated brain.

Score at the end of this round:

Chuck Norris' Chocolate Ovaltine: 1
E.M.O.: 0

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Warning: This Blog May Cause Nostril Projectiles A.K.A. Snot Rockets, Consider Yourself Warned!

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Lately I have been glued to reading a really funny blog by Brans Muffin called Muffins, Can Too Be Classy!  I love  this blog for how funny and sassy it is...Brans Muffin inspires me to be more Awesommer than I already am!

This is a self portrait of my awesomeness!

I have received the first ever,  Snot Rocket Power Award from Brans and it is truly an honour.
Here is what Brans had to say:

 "It is with my Muffany pleasure that I issue the first I Love Your Blog Achievement: Category Humor :
The Snot Rocket Award!

To: The Writing Womb.

In honor of your attempts and successful execution of Items Blown From the Nose of your readers while combing your blog spot!

It has been reported that the following items have been projected: including but not limited to...Coffee, Tea, Soda, Juice, and well.... Snot Rockets!

Your page should come with a warning!

Consider: The following blog will cause extreme LOL-ing and my cause you to all together loose your A (L-M-*-O ). Readers should not attempt stifling any laughter brought about by this page! Do not drink or eat while reading this page! Never Ever place hand or other Items over mouth to prevent from spitting on your key board or monitor, Just go ahead and spit, its less gross! Should you catch yourself attempting Stifle-age do also.... cover your nose...the built up pressure of Stifling and mouth cover will cause Nostril Projectiles aka Snot Rockets!
~The Muffin Club"

Also, A big Thank you to Yoga Savy at Living Laughing Breathing for the 'Mind Blowing Blog' award.

Man, it seems I am awarded for blowing your brains out and helping you accomplish your projectile snot dreams. I wonder how any of you are still around to read this stuff that I write. Unless, dah dah dah (cue the scary music) you are all Zombies needing to read blogs for sustenance...yes that makes more sense on why you might want to visit me....BLOGS, need more Blogs...

Thanks to you Zombie readers, for without you, I wouldn't have written a post today cause I too am a Zombie (halfling) that needs to read other peoples Blogs for proper nourishment!

PS I didn't feel like writing today or writing much lately cause
E.M.O. started stalking me again but I thank you for the fun emails you guys have been sending helps to brighten my day a bit! To read about E.M.O. go here.

PPS Did having really large font fool you into thinking that I actually had content in this post? Of course it did, (slaps head with hand) you guys are Zombies and as we all know, Zombies think that bigger is actually more (it's a scientific fact, I consulted with a Zombie expert)

PPPSS Watching the first 5 seasons of

'The Office' has also helped to keep E.M.O. at bay;  Michael Scott and Dwight Schrute are the best anti-depressants I know of!

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

Saturday, May 15, 2010

The Weekend Funnies Series #1

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Now that the weekend is here, is your brain on auto pilot? Do you have a hangover that needs to be cured? Did you party hard this weekend and now your brain doesn't want to read another blog till Monday? Are you bored?

Well, never fear, 'The Weekend Funnies' is here! 

Chill out, give your funny bone a tickle and let your tired brain get the rest it deserves this weekend, by checking out the new Adult Comic Strip I am creating for all of you weary 9-5ers and Weekend Warriors. 

You won't need to think or read much for this series that I am starting!

This is the first of many weekend segments that I will bring to you, for as long as you 'like' them.

No need to comment (unless you really want to) just show your appreciation by clicking the facebook 'like' button at the bottom of this post or 'Digg it' and help lift the spirits of other Weekend Warriors will find the 'Digg it' button just to the right of this cartoon under the heading 'Do you like this site? Share it with others'.

Thanks for reading, I hope that you will enjoy  'The Weekend Funnies'.

This segment was brought to you by
My Angry Teeth...

 Click on the pictures to see larger view.

This round:
My Angry Teeth: 0
The Cotton Candy Twizzler Jelly Bean: 1

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~


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