Sunday, August 22, 2010

The ‘Periods’ brought to you by Endangered Bandages made from real Unicorn Uterus

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Men always blame women’s bitchyness on ‘The Periods’

No man should ever blame anything on 'The Periods' because, as we all know, that only makes us go on 'the periods' even harder and we become hungry angry Dinosaurs that eat men whole for a light snack without even bothering to chew them, just to add to their torture as our stomach acid slowly eats through them.

Then just before those men die from the acid in our bellies, we throw them back up! Regurgitated whole onto a bed of salt (the fine grainy kind, it sticks better in skinless spots where the acid has eaten clean through to the organs and the organs are a little chafe-y).

And the bed of salt sits in the middle of the desert at the hottest point of the day, and the men of course have no clothes on, on account of the stomach acid eating through them, along with bits of their flesh.

There’s no oasis in sight, not even a mirage, …did I mention there’s a bottle of sun block there to help shield that mans corroded parts from the harsh rays of the sun? Oh yeah but it’s only the bottle, inside it’s 95% peroxide mixed with 5% iodine solution that never stops burning.

I dare you to blame a womans moods on her ‘periods’ and you will see her arms recoil into tiny T-Rex arms, those small arms are you first clue to run away. Next they retract entirely until she just has hands for arms.

While we begin to breath fire and grow wings to become the first T-Rex  Pterodactyl ever to exist! A heinous monster nobody will ever win a war against…caw caw, caw caw!

Game on!  It’s a war that looks like a Monty Python sketch in the middle of Jurrassic park and no Man gets out alive… molten blood clots will be flung like water balloons …RUN AWAAY!

But don’t worry, after the war is over, if you have survived, we will apply skin balm to all your burn-y parts and bandages made from the uterus of a Unicorn that magically heals everything. 

We will give you skin grafts made from Griffins and Mermaids and then stick you in the belly of a freshly slaughtered Unicorn to heal you entirely…and tell you in our sweet little voice ‘love you’!

After an hour,  you come out of that freshly slaughtered Unicorn as fresh as a muffin out of an easy bake oven.

So my warning to you dear men…don’t mention the periods cause you are endangering the very thing that is saving your life…the rare Unicorns, Griffins, and Mermaids…and what will you men do if you don’t have those magical creatures left to heal your wounds and grow your skin back? 

PS…I have also come to the conclusion that men can be even bigger cunty bitches than women…men are the biggest ones in the world...they are just better at hiding it behind beer, pornography, sex and sports games, but take those elements away and you have your self the queen of the Mega-sauraus-cunty-bitches

PPS this was going to be a post on the dangers of dreadlocks but some man blamed my bad mood on the periods and thought you men needed to know why it hurts so much when you say that to us.

The winner at the end of this fun filled game:
The Periods: 1
Men: 0

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

Monday, August 16, 2010

Fun With Twitter

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First, I would like to give a big shout out to Pam and Sandy at Wisdom Of Words, also know as 'WOW'.  Sandy and Pam have graciously added me as a Blogger Of Note 'BON' and are sending their lovely followers over here to have a looky loo…so welcome to you 'WOW' people.

Maybe you would like to know a bit more about me? Well, you are in luck! Just read The Naked Writer 101 for an in depth look into my twisted psyche. Also, for you awesome newbies visiting, I have compiled the top 5 Writing Womb Posts for your viewing pleasure.

#1 The Unfortunate Blow Job Incident

#2 My Rants In Haiku, Because Bitching Is Boring, Unless Done In Poems

#3 Dear Duane...I Am Getting Older Can I Put My Mail Order Husband On Layaway?

#4 How To Successfully Stalk Like A Pro, Without Being Creepy, In 10 Easy Steps

#5 Dear Duane...Rob Pattinson From Twilight Has Down Syndrome...For Serious!

I hope you enjoy my blog, please feel free to have a look around and comment whenever your little fingers desire to do so ;o)

For all my loyal followers, holy smokes…2 blog posts in 3 days? Yep…Trisha’s back....back with a game!

Now maybe you are part of the elite group of people who actually understand and know what the point of Twitter hat is off to you! (except that I don't wear a hat cause my head is too bulbous, so really my hat is off to everyone...but especially you...)

But, If you are like me, then you just don’t ‘get’ Twitter.  It seems pointless right? I mean I could Tweet that I used 129 squares of toilet paper to wipe my ass today cause I accidentally ate a jar of Prunes thinking that they were just really big raisins and who wouldn't want to eat a jar of really big raisins...but is this necessary information that all 10 of my Twitter friends would really want to know?

I know I am an ego maniac with Narcissistic tendencies (at least that's what the Dr's all say) but even that is over the top for me! I will not be a Twittarcisstic Narcissistic Ego's just too much to keep up with, who has that kind of time or energy or vocabulary?

um, hello? Have we forgotten about the telephone? Is the phone obsolete now? I can't remember the last time I actually spoke on the phone with someone and really, what would I say to them anyhow? Between their My Space pages, Facebook Status Updates and Tweets, I know far more than I ever thought I would know about people I haven't spoken with since grade school.

Now, it is possible that some of you out there don't know what the hell I am talking about, maybe you have never heard of Twitter which case that means you are probably still a baby in the womb and congrats for being able to sneak out just to read this blog post…either that, or you are my 90 year old granny who still thinks that Atari is the newest video game consul around and commodore 64 is the most advanced computer to this date.

So, what I am saying is,  in order to play the Twitter game, you should know what Twitter is…go Google it, I am not explaining it to you…if I get a question like what’s ‘a google’ then we can be BFF's cause your probably retarded and I like to surround myself with like minded people…and if you don’t know what 'BFF' is then you should ask your nearest pet psychic cause I am sure that you are an avid user (of psychics, paint huffing and possibly dumpster diving )

OK so all you have to do is set up a Twitter account and find a bunch of celebrities you admire, then 'follow' (see stalk) a few of your favourites and then 'Tweet' them random messages that don't have anything to do with nothing! This is fun for everyone!
You can do this as much as possible as this does not annoy celebrities very much at all!

As most of you already know, I Heart Pee Wee Herman..."connect the dots la la la"….so of course he was the first celebrity friend I stalked…I tried many times to get him interested in my life but nothing…until…a while back I tweeted Mr. Pee Wee Herman this:

"Hey pee wee...I love toast, isn't that interesting?"

"Hi Pee Wee, I found a hair on my left nipple does this mean I have lopsided knee caps?"

"Hey Pee Wee my red bicycle is really sad and lethargic, do you know of any good bike psychics out there in Hollywood?"

"Chocolate chips look like rabbit poop only they taste VERY VERY different but you already knew that didn’t you?"

John Cusack is dreamy! I have hearted him since ‘Better Off Dead’  so I thought I would impress him with these little gems:

"my elbow smells like a Walrus or maybe an acorn, how would the great John Cusack solve this caper?"

"Hey John Cusack, If we hooked up, I wonder what OUR celebrity name would be?"

"Do you ever just look at your balls in the mirror and think oh my god, these are John Cusacks balls? I would if I were you!"

"Dear John Cusack I am writing to inform you that I need to buy some tampons today …isn’t that exciting? I thought so too!"

Jim Carey is funny as shit so I thought I would send him my sexy advances by being super flirtatious with him:

"hey we are both from Toronto, we should be friends and that entitles me to 5% of your monies, now pay up cockknocker before I stick my pubic hair on you "

"Hey remember that funny movie dumb and dumber? me too! WOw, we have so much in common, let’s be best friends now!"

"hey Jim, avoiding zombie raping pirates is harder to do than fart quietly…what’s YOUR secret?"

And of course, Kevin Smith, I love this guy but was a bit disappointed after seeing his last movie:

"Hey Kevin I love you almost as much as I love removing my tampon after a long day of work…and that’s a lot!"

"Dear Mr. Smith, I am writing to inform you that your movie Cop Out Raped me last night, it raped me in the brain repeatedly! "

"Remember how I told you I was raped by cop out? I forgot to mention that it gave me a brain STD that is resistant to antibiotics! I am sending you the bill"

Send me your very best Twitter celebrity stalking posts and the winner will get an awesome prize from me!
I will include the best ones in an upcoming on!

To keep abreast of my silly goofs, just add me on Twitter CLICK HERE or add 'thenakedwriter' to your twitter thingy so we can goof on it together, after all...if that isn't what it's for..then what the fuck is it for?

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~

Friday, August 13, 2010

Birthday Blog Bloodbath (say that 3 times fast I dare you!)

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Today is my birthday and the universe made sure that I took notice by rubbing my nose in the fact that I am getting older, every which way I turned.

Click on any picture to enlarge.

That's not a very nice sign, Universe!

Um, ok...throw it in my face why don't you?
Fatty McFatfat is getting older and plumper, I get it!

Hey now!  No one is supposed to know that!


Yep, I actually saw 32 coming down the road to meet me and they didn't look friendly at all!

Oh no! When 32 meets 31, it's on...they are ready to rumble.

OH 32 is a dangerous, vicious age...31 stands no chance against these Barbaric Birthday numbers

Aghh! In a matter of moments, 31 is reduced to mangled roadkill...and 32 carries on to their birthday party as planned, right on schedule

Mangled and broken, age 31 must make it's own way to the funeral home

Poor little 31

Age 31 you will be missed, you sure were a fun year to hang with

I will be sending my 32 to Chuck Norris' Roundhouse Boot when it comes time to rumble next year with 33, 32 will win and live forever!
*evil laugh CD disc 1 track 3*

No one sent me a card this year or maybe they did but I won't find out for 6-8 weeks because of the uber efficient *italics = sarcasm*  postal services offered here in instead of getting bummed out, I decided to create a card for myself and share it with you guys.



Want to buy me a birthday drink / present but can't make the trip to Thailand? Send me a drink / present  via paypal :o) Click HERE

Want to send me a present but have no money to do so? Then vote for me as best humour blog or freakiest blogger on the Internet click HERE 

Regular postings will resume after summer is over...miss you guys and thanks for the wonderful emails I have received over the last month! You guys are too funny! Can't wait to fill you in with all the details of my summer vacation xo

~I surrender to The Writing Womb~


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